


Faraway, But So Close

by Gege_and_Olive



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Domestic Violence, Drug Use, M/M, Major Depression, Multi, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Supernatural Beings, self-injury
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-25
Updated: 2013-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-15 01:00:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 44,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/521398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gege_and_Olive/pseuds/Gege_and_Olive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kris woke up on the morning of January 8th, 2016, he didn't expect it to be any different from any other day. Sadly, he was very wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the warnings! And with that said, we'd love for you to enjoy our fic, we're working very hard on it. New warnings may pop up as chapters go out.

**January 7th, 2016**

Lux picked her head off the bed slowly. The familiar scent of aftershave and weed roamed the room. She stuck her head higher, looking for the source. Ah, there it was. She let out a little playful bark. The kind that she would always do in excitement upon seeing that very man standing in the doorway. That tall, dark hair man that would just throw her a ball to fetch after. Then call for her to bring it back. The man that she would greet every time he would ring the doorbell. Or the man that would tell her not to tell ‘daddy’ if he were to sneak food under the table for her to eat. Reality had it, everyone knew, Kris Allen couldn’t cook. Everything just ended up burnt or uneatable. That was Kris. Nothing he cooked you could eat. Everyone made fun of him for it. Just standing behind an oven, made him a criminal, at least that was what Adam’s friend Tommy used to tell everyone. That wasn’t really saying much. The two were always at heads with each other. Always crashing into each other like stubborn mules. It seemed like everything Kris did, Tommy had a comment about. Of course, Adam would kind of make a joke of it all. But that was just Adam. Adam made everyone laugh in the end.

“Shh,” the dark hair man said. He had on all black, which was a normal thing. He used to say that it made him look thin. Thinner. He really didn’t need to look thinner. He looked fantastic just the way he was. But there was no telling him that. Adam was always said that he needed to look good for Gabriel. Gabriel. Kris tried his best to compliment Adam as much as he could. Even if it was on his makeup.

A dark eyeshadow and liner coated his eyes. He always smeared it to make it look extra dark. “Don’t wake daddy. You know how angry daddy gets when you bark when he’s sleeping. Shh. He’d be mad if you wake him.” 

The small beagle stared at the man, tilting her head slightly when he walked closer to the bed. He didn’t normally get that close when he visited during the night, he would usually sit in the kitchen, drinking a glass of wine before giving her a loving pat on the head and leaving again.

She whimpered quietly as the man got in bed with her and her owner. Her body tucked itself tighter in between the two of them, resting her head on Kris’ arm. Maybe the dark haired man was finally here to stay. She knew her owner would really love it if he stayed. He would never tell her that when they were just being lazy around the house. But dogs could sense every emotion in the human book of emotions.

When Kris breathed in deeply, he got a nose full of dog hair and sneezed. His eyes opened wide. Lux. She was curled into his chest. She only did that on freezing nights, and tonight was quite warm. Hot even.

He pulled himself up slowly, looking to the other side of his bed. Laying there was Adam Lambert with a newly formed black eye. He sighed, reaching his hand out to tentatively run a hand through his pitch black hair. A slight smile arose on his face when he didn’t stir. Adam was always a hard sleeper.

Kris moved back onto the bed and closed his eyes, letting sleep take him back into it’s warm grasp.

**January 8th, 2016**

Kris rolled over in bed just as he heard the doorbell ring. His eyes instantly went to the alarm clock on his nightstand. It read: eleven-thirty. It was a sleep late kind of day. And that was what he had been planning to do. He was ready to do that. Just close his eyes once again and just go right back to sleep. He had a late night. Work kept him out longer than he really wanted to be out. But as soon as he hit the bed that was when his eyes instantly shut.

He turned his head over to look at the other side of the bed where Adam had been sleeping. Of course. He was gone. It was just like him. Ever since Kris gave him the key to the apartment he had made it a point to use it. Kris didn’t mind. That was why he had given it to him in the first place. To come in whenever he needed. Adam was probably the most trusted out of everyone. If he were to give him a key he would only use it when he really needed it. He did use it on those occasions, opening up the door so softly that it wouldn’t wake Kris up. Then Kris would see the remains of a wine glass sitting in the strainer, clean.

Adam would always make sure to clean his dishes.

Kris rolled out of bed reluctantly. The doorbell didn’t stop ringing. It was getting to the point that it was annoying. As he made his way, the dog barking got louder. Sometimes he did stop and think, why he trained the dog to bark. All of the times where he asked the dog to speak... He always thought beagles were quiet dogs. They always seemed to be.

When he opened the door, he didn’t expect to see who stood there. The familiar blonde with blue eyes which now had a red tint to them that said she had been crying. It made his heart sink. He hated seeing her cry. She was always a cheerful girl. Always carrying a smile. Even when they had agreed to end things, she wore it even if it was oh so slight. “Have you seen the news?“ She asked him.

“Katy? Are you okay?“

“Have you?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I just got out of bed.”

“Kris, you need to look at the news.”

Kris gave her a questioning look, and then invited her into the apartment. The two walked down the hall to the living room, and Kris gave her the remote. She took a deep breath. They both sat down and she rested one of her hands on Kris’ thigh like she used to when he was upset and turned on the TV. Her hand pressed gently into his leg.

He had been watching CNN the night before. Just to keep up with the news and current events he would watch. It was something that he just couldn’t help. At times he found himself to be quite out of it, so catching up with everything was kind of a must to him. That was exactly what he was doing the previous night. Just sitting back on the couch, his mind trying to relax, watching some CNN. Something about other countries and wars that were ending. And reporters even dying as result of some kind of rebellion. But now, across the screen in the lower part of it, it read; _ADAM LAMBERT FOUND DEAD IN HIS HOME, CAUSE OF DEATH: ACCIDENT_

Silence. Kris’ eyes just stayed on the screen, his eyes reading that one sentence over and over. Letting it replay in his head as his mouth went ajar. There was just no way. No fucking way. Adam…De-dead? How was that even possible? “Adam Lambert found dead in his home, cause of death: Accident,’ He said aloud. Still, he didn’t believe it. It didn’t make sense. “No. No,”

“They say he must have died late last night.”

“No!” Kris said his voice growing louder. “No. There’s no way.”

“I know. I know. This is hard on -“

“NO! He was here! He was here last night!”

Katy closed her mouth, pushing _mute_ on the remote. Could Adam really have come here before he died? No, that wasn’t possible. She knew Adam came over to Kris’ place during the night sometimes for a break from the real world, but it was usually around four or five in the morning. She, herself had sat up with Adam a few times when she and Kris were still living together and he had a key to their house. They never really did talk about anything those times, just had a glass or two of wine before he kissed her goodbye and drove off into the night.

“Honey,” She said, “His time of death was almost midnight. He couldn’t have been here last night.”

“NO! He was here last night! He was asleep next to me! I remember it! I touched his hair and –“

“Kris.” Katy said firmly, trying to grab his hand, but Kris pulled away almost violently. “Kris, I’m sorry –“

He jumped off the couch, running out of the room with Katy following behind him. The two didn’t come to a stop until they were in the kitchen. An empty dish strainer. He went and pulled a cupboard door open with **bang** , staring at one of the still full bottles of wine. One he’d bought last week, for Adam. His favorite. Kris thought it might put an actual twist to things. Tell Adam that he knew what he was doing. But not once had Adam went for that bottle. It was still shut. But he had a feeling that Adam would use it soon. And just staring at it...

“Kris -“

Kris stumbled back, slamming the cupboard door in the process. “I -“ He shook his head, pushing himself up against the counter. No. The wine was still in its spot. There wasn’t a glass in the strainer…and the news said…He found himself sliding down onto the floor. His eyes, distantly filled with tears.

No. It couldn’t be. 

Adam....

…Adam Lambert. Dead. Cause of death. _Accident._


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris and Katy try to pay their respects to Adam's family.

**September 15, 2012**

_“Hello?” Kris said answering his cell phone. Of course he had a smile on his face because he knew who it was. He always seemed to have a smile on his face when he talked to the man on the other side of the phone would never fail to make his day a little brighter. Just the voice...that voice. A little laugh to it when he talked; a somewhat feminine touch to it._

_Adam._

_No matter what it was, Adam Lambert could always put that same crescent of a smile on his lips. Even if it was so slight that it couldn’t be seen. But most likely, it could be heard if he were to talk._

_“Kris!” Adam had said. “Guess what!”_

_“You’re happy today.”_

_“Yes, Kris. I am happy. I’m more than happy. Ask me why I’m more than happy. Go ahead. Do it!”_

_“Why?” Kris asked, sitting down on the couch. “Did you mystically get kidnapped by Wal-Mart smiley faces and all of a sudden you can’t control yourself from being extraordinarily happy?”_

_“Yep, that must be it. Those loveable smiley faces just gone and kidnapped me. That’s why I’m happy. It can’t be because I just met the nicest and cutest guy I’ve ever seen.”_

_Kris’ stomach dropped into his bladder, “Oh, that’s great Adam.”_

_“It’s more than great! I guess we’ve been working together for a while I just haven’t noticed him until now! His name’s Gabriel and he has the most beautiful green eyes I’ve ever seen,” Adam sighed into the phone._

**January 13th, 2016**

Kris sat at the Lambert’s house with Katy close by his side. Across the room Leila was standing with her younger son, Neil and ex-husband. As they stood there, guests came up to give their condenses. One of those people were Gabriel. His cheeks were slightly dampened as he leaned in and took Leila into his arms. Her sobs went right into his shoulders, moistening his shirt a little by the tears. There was a thank you that could barely be heard by anyone standing around. A thank you for being good to Adam. Good. It seemed odd to think about. Gabriel was good to Adam. He had to believe that.

“Adam wouldn’t want you to be bitter for anything that happened in the past, Kris.” Katy said. There was nothing that could stop him from glaring at the scene. Nothing. Gabriel being all...he averted his eyes as he nodded stiffly. Adam wouldn’t want that. He would want him to just move on. But...

_If she only knew._

Around the room, family members were talking to each other; talking about Adam’s life. There was a group in the corner of the room where a Adam’s friends were talking quietly. He recognized Brad Bell, Cassidy Haley, Sauli Koskinen, and Tommy Joe Ratliff right off. Though it didn’t surprise him to see them, Tommy was the only one that Adam really had talked to in over a year. 

If there was anything that he didn’t miss about seeing Tommy, it was that he was always drunk off of his ass. Always acting like a complete idiot. Great. At least someone was having fun. He seemed to have a big smile on his face as he held that bottle of beer in his hand. A little sway to his walk as he made his way away from the guys.

Katy could feel the tension in Kris by just holding his hand. Just watching as Tommy crashed into something. It was just like that guy. Adam’s friends…always seemed to be on the playful side. The non-serious side. Always wanting to have fun in night clubs with people half their age. Or even just going on stage complete drunk out of his mind. It wouldn’t surprise him if Tommy had done that before.

“Kris we should pay our respects to his family,” His eyes stayed with Tommy as Katy gave a gentle tug. “Come on, Kris.”

Everything was a mess. _Adam, why did this happen?_ he just couldn’t help but ask in his mind. It was a questioned he’d asked many times. Just lying there in bed with Lux on him. He couldn’t sleep just thinking about what was to come. The funeral was hard. Just thinking about it made his heart sink. It was scary. Seeing his casket lowered into the ground. Just standing there with people crying around him but not being able to cry. He was truly numb of feelings.

“Yeah,” he gave a nod. “We should do that.”

As they started to walk a noise broke out. A loud crash. Everyone’s eyes went to the source. Tommy was standing there with a vase in his hand, broken shards of glass from what looked like another vase, on the ground. Laughter. He found it to be funny. Of course he had, giving a laugh as he threw the other to the ground.

“This one is for you Adam!” He yelled. “For being a stupid prick! And this -“ He turned around to look for something else to throw. A plate. A whole stack was sitting right on the table. He picked one up, throwing it down. “And this is for the ten dollars you never repaid me! And this -“ Another. “Is for breaking a string on my bass. You can’t even play bass! Or any instrument for that fucking matter.”

Cassidy and Brad tried to pry the plate Tommy was currently holding in his hand away, while Sauli was trying to talk to him. “No!” He screamed, pushing Sauli away from him, and the man hit the ground in front of Kris.“Fuck you! You haven’t been around for a whole year! You don’t know what he’s been like! You don’t fucking know _anything_!”

The Finn stayed on the ground watching Tommy with sad eyes, even when Katy had offered her hand. He did regret not being around for a year. It wasn’t his fault, he lived in Finland and had a full-time job there, and he couldn’t just drop everything to come out. And Adam had known that. Adam was that type of guy. He was understanding and just went with the flow of things. And even though he hadn’t seen a few people for a year, some many years, he understood that life put obstacles in the way. If it meant a year to get by them, or a few, then he just allowed that. Sauli had tried to find time to try and connect him, but it was always the wrong times and he would just get the answering machine or even Adam’s boyfriend.

Kris’ eyes went back to Tommy. How could he just do that? Go around throwing things like there wasn’t family just standing there watching him. Everyone’s eyes on him and he didn’t even care one bit. He was throwing things that belonged to the Lambert’s. Most likely they would be the ones that were to clean it up-clean up everything. How could he? All he was doing was making it even harder on them.

Without further hesitation, Tommy went over to the table where foods of all kinds were placed. His arms went to push everything off of it. Another yell. “No one fucking knows! No one! No one!” He seemed to calm just a bit as he turned around away from everyone.

“I think he might be losing it just a tad…” Kris looked away slowly. “He’s gone mad.”

A brunette girl made her way over to Tommy, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder, and whispering something in his ear. He tensed up for a few seconds, and nodded. She took his hand gently, leading him out of the room. The look on her face clearly read, _I’m sorry_.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris has a run in with Brad.

**January 20th, 2016**

What a rough day. There was nothing like those rough days that just made you want to crawl up on the couch with a beer and watch a bunch of reality TV shows. Just kicking his shoes off, it sounded welcoming. Relaxing. Exhaustion kicked in many hours ago. He felt like a freaking zombie; forced to walk the world looking for someone to scratch. Well, okay. Maybe that was too much of an exaggeration. It was more like having to keep his head up, his eyes open and being able to walk around without tumbling over.

The light was bright when he flipped it on in the kitchen. The Sun. That’s exactly what it felt like. The sun gleaming into his eyes so brightly that it made him shield away from it. Slowly, he opened his fingers, letting the light come into his darkness. He took a deep breath and moved his hand from his face to his neck. Days like this never seemed to end. Just kept going on forever. It seemed like a day lasted about a year or maybe even ten.

As he ran his hand back and forth on his neck, there was a noise that sounded like some kind of crashing. Before he could even go look at what it was, Lux came skidding into the room. Kris looked around. Was there someone breaking into his house? He’d heard of some break-ins over the years around close by neighborhoods, but nothing ever near him. Maybe he should just go check. It wouldn’t hurt.

“What is it girl?” Lux’s paw went to swat at his leg. He really loved her. He had to admit getting the beagle made him less lonely at nights. It felt like he had someone to come home to, even if it was a dog.

He made his way out of the kitchen once more before looking around at the dimly lit living room. There was nothing there. Well, there was Lux. She was now barking at the couch. Nothing was there. Dogs thinking that they see things and nothing being there.

Sighing, he went to search the other rooms in the house before returning back to the kitchen. Soon after, Lux was back in there.

“Do you want a midnight treat?” Kris asked. That could get her to calm down. It always did. Nice and quiet. She barked loudly turning her back to him and running out of the kitchen. So much for that. Going over to the fridge, he looked inside before scrummaging for a beer. One couldn’t possibly hurt him even if it was way past happy hour.

_Bark_

The beer dropped and the next thing he heard was the bottle shattering on the floor. Fuck. Maybe she needed to go out for a little private time. But she had her own doggy door that was open twenty four hours, seven days a week. So if she needed to go, she was usually good at going.

After cleaning up the shards of glass on the floor he walked towards the bedroom. That ‘s where he found Lux. She was barking at the bed like there was something there. But there was nothing there. “There’s nothing there, Lux.” But she kept barking and it seemed even louder than before. “Shh, girl.” As he walked over to the bed, she jumped up on it.

_Bark_

Moving onto the bed, he reached out to run his hand along her hair. Her short hair was rough and and stuck up only for a few moments before falling back into place. _Bark_ “Come on, pup. It’s been a long night and we both need to get some rest.”

Dogs slept most of the day; had the easiest life. He knew that. They had a shoe or two, ate underwear, and then passed out on your couch or bed. He was too tired for this. Really all he wanted to do was sleep. Just close his eyes. And just lay his head down and sleep. Why couldn’t she want that very same thing? Especially when he needed to get some rest before he was to head to work early in the morning. So much for that beer and relaxation.

When was a day off coming to his busy schedule? Soon, hopefully. He needed the break after working the whole week. Even though most of his hours were self-made, he tried to stick to some kind of routine. And then of course, he had publicity to do. His days were usually packed with it.

Kris reached over and turned the bedside lamp off. Maybe if the lights were off she’d calm down. But weren’t dogs supposed to sleep in all kinds of light? Well, it was worth the try. Anything to try and get her to calm down.

“It’s alright,” She looked up at him, pouncing towards him. “Good. Now lay down.”

In the dark he laid on his back, staring at the ceiling thinking. Everything seemed calm. Lux had relaxed, he was just starting to doze, complete silence...until the lamp flickered. It caused Lux to bark.

So much for calm. “Shh, just bad wiring.”

**January 29th, 2016**

Nothing like the smell of a coffee shop; coffee just calming his every bone. It was the pleasure that he hoped to endure every day as he sat somewhat peacefully at his table near the window. A newspaper gripped in his hands as his eyes skimming over the sports columns. That was peace if he’d ever seen it. At least for a late Friday morning.

“So,” he heard. Just the voice made him kind of give a sigh. It was somewhat annoying and kind of squeaky. Feminine but at the same time, trying to be masculine. What kind of luck did he have? He looked over his paper to see Brad sitting right in front of him. “Are you ever going to answer your phone?” Brad asked. “I’m pretty sure that I left about ten or so messages on it today.”

“And it’s just a pleasure to see you too, Brad. As always. Why don’t you sit down. Have some coffee. Regular or decaf?”

“If you would have answered your phone then we could have had this conversation on it. But you didn’t.”

“So you had to go and track me down. Yep. That’s normal,” Kris sighed and placed the paper down. It was no use in trying to read it any longer. “What do you want, Brad?”

“You.” An exaggerated smile came to his face before his face went back to being emotionless and somewhat plain. Knowing Brad for almost as long as he had Adam that was uncommon. Seriousness. “I helped go through some of Adam’s stuff. It was...It was hard, I have to admit. I never in all of my years of knowing Adam Lambert thought I would be doing that. “

“I’m sure it was. No one thought something like that would happen...” Kris trailed off quietly, not daring to look up at Brad just yet. His hand went to pick up the coffee up. Where was he going with this anyway? He took a small sip then placed the cup back down. So he went through Adam’s things, so what? “Really Brad, what do you want?”

Brad opened the bag he was carrying and pulled out a sliver frame, setting it on the table. In it was a picture of Adam and him on the last night of the _American Idols LIVE! Tour_. Kris was still wearing Adam’s jacket. Mid-laugh. Who ever had captured the photo had to be the best photographer he knew. Adam looked great. His arm around Kris as his head went back. He remembered they both flinched when the flash went off, but it was Allison, grinning from ear to ear. It was taken backstage at one of the concerts and Kris knew exactly what had happened before and after the photo.

It was Adam that said something to him. Adam had complimented him on how he was swimming in the jacket but how it looked a lot better on him than it had on himself. That sent him to look at Adam. He had to be crazy. Adam looked good in everything he wore. Then it was Adam who started to laugh and that made Kris laugh. Laughing was contagious when it was around Adam.

Right then, the photo was captured in time.

“I found this in the bottom of one of his draws. I thought you might want it.”

On the clear glass of the window he watched a small puddle appear. It was him. A lone tear ran down his cheek. Wetness forming in the depths of his eyes. “Yeah, thanks Brad.”

Kris couldn’t take his eyes off of the frame. Just looking at his past self seemed...felt so weird. Just having that smile light his features. Never had he smiled so much. Years had past since and he remembered that time of being one of the best of his life. He remembered laughing when Adam gave him his jacket. It was just so big. But what could he expect? The jacket was at least a few sizes bigger than he was. It made it all the more fun. Just going out on that stage only to be blasted with Silly String. Those were the days. Those days brought an instant smile to his face when he thought back. Happiness. That’s what he associated those days with. Being out on the road with friends that just liked to have a good time and just sang their hearts out.

“Tommy is a wreck,” Brad said softly after a few moments. “Or well, he seems to be. Ever since the funeral he’s been...depressed. I don’t even know if that’s the right word to describe how he’s been. He’s taking it hard. Not to say everyone isn’t. But he hasn’t left his house in days.” 

“And what do you want me to do about it?” Kris asked. The picture frame went down on the table. And he quietly returning to his paper. But it was snatched out of his hands. “Hey!”

“Look, we’ve all talked to Tommy. Me, Cassidy, Isaac, Ash, even Sauli tried talk to him but he wouldn’t fucking listen,” Brad’s voice was raised a little, and the two people the next table glanced over. “He’s drinking like there’s no tomorrow, and probably hasn’t showered -”

Kris stood up, “As much as I’d like to help you -” _Actually I don’t_ “There’s nothing I - Or any of you can really do. You should let Tommy grieve. They were close, they worked together almost everyday.” Kris gather the sliver frame, tucking it under his arm. The last thing he wanted to do was deal with whiny Tommy Joe Ratliff.

Coffee was no longer strong enough. He needed some beer. Or wine. No wait, not wine, never wine.

He’d gotten rid of every bottle he had _that night_.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brad just won't leave Kris alone.

**October 5th, 2012**

_Things seemed pretty calm. He woke to the smell of bacon sifting through his nostrils. The smell was one of those intoxicating smells that never get old. Even the sizzling of it made his brain kind of tingle a bit. There was just something about bacon that kicked got the day off perfectly. Getting out of a bed was proven to be pretty easy._

_A pretty good morning, he thought. There was nothing that could make it bad. It was going to be one of those days where he felt like he could rule the whole would after breakfast. A real life superhero at everyone’s rescue._

_His lips curled up as he walked towards the kitchen. The smell was closer now, making his mouth water. Katy would make breakfast for him most mornings and even though he had told her that it was okay that she didn’t, she did it regardless. That had to make him a lucky man._

_Giggles. They filled his ears. Katy’s giggle mixed in there was a deep chuckle that somewhat sent shivers running up his spine. Creepy. “You bet! I would always go to Adam for advice on clothes. If something looked good on me; if it didn’t. Adam was somewhat more of a fashion expert than I was. He knew exactly the right colors to bring out my eyes. Back during the _Idol_ days you wouldn’t believe some of the things we talked about. The best part was looking at guys with him. He wasn’t shy.”_

_“Oh,” he heard a deep voice say. “He wasn’t shy?”_

_“No! Adam? Shy? Come on. Adam Lambert is not the shy type. Adam Lambert is out going. And he makes sure his voice is heard and clear.”_

_“Hey,” A hand moved onto his shoulder and he looked back to see dark hair and blue eyes greeting him with a smile. “Are you eavesdropping?”_

_“Uh. N-No. No. I’m just smelling up the bacon.”_

_“Wouldn’t you rather go in the kitchen to get a better look at it? I think the view is better from in there. Especially when it’s right in front of you on your plate.” Adam smiled to him. He had a bright, contagious smile that made him look happy. It was nice seeing Adam happy. Though it might seem like everyday was happy for Adam, Kris could tell when they were genuine happy days. Not every day was as genuine as the next. “I have someone I want you to meet.”_

_“You do?”_

_“Yeah. I think you might like him. He likes plaid. Which means you already have a lot in common.”_

_“Oh shut up,” Kris made his way into the kitchen. Walking in, he saw a man leaning against the counter across from his wife. It kind of shocked him. He didn’t really seem like the type of guy Adam usually went for. He seemed more...built. He obviously worked out, his forearms alone looked like they could crush Kris. But, maybe he was the romantic type. Adam usually fell hard for guys who could speak in poetry._

_“Gab?” Adam said, walking in the kitchen behind him. The man turned around and Kris got a good look at him. Damn. He had to admit, the man had the most beautiful green eyes. “This is Kris, you know, the one who beat me at American Idol.”_

_“Oh please, don’t even start that Adam.” Adam had always played around with that. There has been plenty of times that he would bring it up. He’d say something along the lines of Kris was better than him. That no matter how much he tried, Kris would have won regardless. Kris believed no a word of it. Through the competition, Kris honestly thought that it would be Adam that won. After all, he seemed to make the crowd love him every time he performed. Stage presence was Adam’s best and strongest trait._

_“Nice to finally meet you, Kris. Adam talks about you all the time. I’m Gabriel Herschel.”_

**February 14th, 2016**

Valentines day.

It wasn’t even a holiday and still Hallmark made millions on just selling cards and teddy bears that dance around singing a song. Jewelry stores were packed with men buying the best jewelry for his wife. They basically made it into a freaking holiday. Something similar to Christmas but only for the man or woman that you love. They would go out to dinner. The man pulling out the woman’s chair at the restaurant. Sharing dessert. Then when they got home they would exchange gifts and that would lead to...other things.

No more of that. He traded in all of that for watching TV on his couch. That was the way he liked it. Lux cuddling up against him, her head resting on his leg as he surfed through channels. His Valentines day was officially complete.

There really wasn’t anything on. But then he came upon TMZ. He couldn’t describe how much he hated the show. The Paparazzi following around celebrities to the point that they really couldn’t go anywhere. They cornered them to ask them any question that they wanted to know. Harvey Levin was talking to his team of reports, dishing out the new things that celebrities were caught doing. Leonardo Dicaprio having a new model girlfriend. Charlie Sheen’s drunken fights. Then something caught Kris’ attention. Adam Lambert’s partner, getting in a fight with Paparazzi.

They showed Gabriel on a sidewalk, trying to maneuver his way through a crowd. Cameras everywhere; everyone asking all kinds of questions. ‘Gabe, how are you coping?’ One asked. ‘Are you seeing anyone recently?’ Another. ‘Are you the one that found Adam?’ He looked up at the camera. It was as if his eyes grew a little darker and it happened so quickly. Gabriel pushed the paparazzi back, making him fall to the ground. Nothing could stop Kris from kind of losing it when he saw what happened next. He continued to move towards the guy, moving down and punching him. Kris didn’t know what made him start to laugh. It was probably just the fact that in his gut, he liked the idea that Gabriel was now probably behind bars.

“Kristopher Allen,” He took one guess. Just to hear that voice he knew exactly who it was. And of course that one guess that he took would lead him to believe that he had ‘inherited’ Kris’ extra key he gave to Adam. Exactly what he needed.

Brad.

It made the fun go right down the fucking drain. His laughs, gone. Completely. Kris didn’t even move. He stayed there on the couch, his face now emotionless as he just stared at the TV. Lux moved to just about any visitor. Wanting to give them the full doggy greeting of jumping up and begging to be pet. “Down oh gracious pup, sit. Thata girl. Remind me to get Krissy to give you a little doggy treat. You deserve it.” 

His whole body was moved as he felt Brad plop down on the couch. “Kris. That’s my name. Not Krissy.”

“So, here’s the thing. It is February Fourteenth. Do you know what day that is? That’s Valentines day.”

“If it’s Valentines day then why aren’t you at home fucking someone’s brains out? Aren’t you and Cassidy supposed to be together? Or was that over with. Did you move on to someone else?”

Brad smiled mischievously, giving him a wink. “Are you single by any chance? I need a dat -”

“No. No.”

“No that you’re single? Damn. That’s a shame. I would blow your mind if you gave me that chance. You’re kind of my type. Bi-curious and just waiting to be scooped up by any man with a pair of eyes. Because man. Who wouldn’t want a man with a cute southern drawl as distinct as yours. Too bad Adam never knew about that.”

“Could you shut up? Just shut up,”

“Adam had crushes on you. Yes, yes. More than one. They were massive crushes that extended for long periods of times. If he was alive, I would kick his ass personally for not pushing you up against a freaking wall. But of course, Adam would have denied anything and everything when it came to you.”

Kris stood up. He wasn’t going to listen to him any longer. Just no fucking way. He really had enough of Brad. The only real reason why he ever had anything to do with him was okay, he was a nice guy and tried to expect kind of new different people, but also because of Adam. That was the only reason really he got to know Brad. Adam introduced him to a lot of people, brought himself out of his shell a bit and made him a L.A. Socialite just like himself. “The door is that way, let it kick you in the ass on the way out. It might get you where it hurts.”

Brad moved off of the couch but then he just took a step closer. “You’re not the only one who misses him, you know. Everyone does. And it’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to let yourself mourn over him. It’s all a part of the healing process.”

“I’ve done my mourning over him. Blah blah. I’m not just going to sit here and cry and be a complete bum. Unlike some people might have. I’m not that type of person. I’m not the type -”

“That type of person that found a connection in someone they least expected? Who looked at a man, a man that found himself to be at times, unlovable. A man that spent years being bullied, spent years putting up a wall to get haters out of his life. A man who loved just about everyone and accepted that some people did need a second chance. He gave second cha -”

“Sure!” Kris yelled. “Adam was fan-freaking-tastic. He was. He had to be the only fucking person that saw inside my head.”

“Saw inside your head.” A soft laugh escaped Brad’s lips. “Adam was no fucking mind reader.”

“He - Why am I fucking trying to explain myself to you. I can’t stand you. I just-” Kris let out a frustrated grunt as he plunged forward, his hands going to rest on his cheeks as he pushed his lips roughly against the other man’s. Nothing stopped Brad from pushing further into it, his hands going to Kris’ shirt. One by one, he quickly undid the buttons before his hands went to run against his shoulders to push it off and to the ground.

Kris could just feel Brad’s top lip curl into a little smile as his hands explored his chest and he just couldn’t take that. Pulling away, he push him up against the wall. Brad looked back at him, his smile even bigger as he came back to him. He just got lost. Lost in everything that was being done to him. What he was doing to Brad. He had to fight for dominance and though he did have it at some point, it wasn’t kept. 

“That wasn’t awkward at all,” Kris said sarcastically as they laid next to each other in bed. The sheets tangled between limbs of each of them. Kris’ hair was sticking up in all directions, giving him the look that he usually had in the mornings when he’d just woken up. “That was just something we’d usually do. Something completely normal.”

“You were great, baby.” Brad said, stretching out on the bed. “You didn’t have to be so rough though, my ass will be sore for _days_.”

Kris rolled his eyes. Didn’t Brad want to fuck? Wasn’t that what he’d usually be doing on Valentine's Day? Brad was well, Brad was Brad. Whatever, he really didn’t care.

A deep breath was drawn in but let out a few moments later. “How’s Tommy?”

“I thought you didn’t care about Tommy?” Brad asked, slowly pulling back the sheets and getting out of bed. He searched the floor for his clothes, picking up his jeans and shirt. “Anyway, I’m going to head out, a new club just opened and I want to check it out.”

Just like that, Brad was back to normal. Not the man he was fighting with an hour ago about how it was okay to _miss Adam_. If this was how he was coping, putting up his own walls and going to clubs every night...Kris might have even thought he should try it. 

It had only been a month since Adam passed and he was pretty sure he was done his mourning.


	5. Chapter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris finds Tommy in a scary position.

**February 14th, 2016 Part Two**

Checking up on him couldn’t hurt, everyone else had. Apparently even Neil had at one point. Even though most of his time had been spent keeping his mother company. It was best that he did that. His mother was taking it pretty hard. Kris couldn’t imagine losing a child. Someone you birthed and raised. Suddenly, they’re out of your life. You can’t hug or kiss them ever again....He shook his head, parking his car on a side street. There was no reason to think about that.

A few minutes later, he was knocking on the door. Minutes passed and there was no answer. Of course no one answered, what was he thinking? As much as he wanted to just turn around and walk back to his car, something was pulling him in. The door was unlocked he found out as he wrapped his hands around the knob.

Stepping inside he found that the living room was dark, and had obviously not been lived in for days. The farther he walked in, he began to step on trash, take-out boxes that seemed a month old, beer bottles that had been there for weeks. It also smelled of vomit. The occupant hadn’t left this place for a long, long time.

A dreadful sight.

In the back, he came upon a closed door. The bedroom. He opened it and the smell of vomit became overwhelming. He plugged his nose and walked farther in, calling softly, “Tommy?” There wasn’t a response. The lump on the bed was unmoving and slumped over the side of the bed, seemingly passed out. _Great, he got drunk and passed out in his own puke,_ Kris thought.

God.

He couldn’t believe Tommy. How could he let the place get this bad? Let himself get this bad? Kris shook his head and walked over. When he was about to sit on the side of the bed to wake Tommy and demand he clean himself up, he noticed to orange bottle on the nightstand. Kris blinked a few times before he then reached for it, reading the label, _Tommy Joe Ratliff, Trazodone_. He dropped the bottle in a panic, fishing for his phone in his pocket quickly and dialing nine-one-one.

“Nine-one-one, what’s your emergency?”

“A friend - he took some pills. Sleeping pills, I think they are, the bottle says it’s trazodone. He’s passed out.”

“Okay. Just calm down and give me the address to where you are.”

**February 15th, 2016**

Kris had the worst kink in his neck. It was probably from the way he had been sitting in the stupid chair for most of the morning. A hospital room was no place to sleep, he’d had to say. His head would fall to the side to rest upon his closed fist, nodding off here and there but then jolting up when his head dropped from his hand. It wasn’t comfortable at all.

He sat up in the seat, looking at the clock on the far wall. It read: six-thirty. A little moan of exhaustion came from his lips as he looked at the man just laying in the bed. His eyes closed, IV’s hooked up to his arm. There was nothing more that scared Kris then finding Tommy liked he had. Even if he hated him, he still couldn’t believe Tommy would even...

It was hard to think about it. Thinking about all the ways something could have been stopped. If one event didn’t happen then another wouldn’t have.

**November 10th, 2012**

_“Kr-Kr-Kris?” He heard on the other side of the phone. The voice sounded a little disconnected. A little out of it; distanced. Caller ID was always his best friend. Knowing who was on the other end of the phone decided if he would answer it or ignore it. But most of the time, he just answered the phone without even looking at it. Just opening it and placing it up against his ear and just saying _hello_. But he didn’t get to even say _hello_ this time. The man on the other end of the phone beat him to any greeting. _

_“Adam?”_

_“Hey,” there was a little laugh to his voice. “How are you? Did you and Katy have fun at that little couples party you were invited to? She couldn’t stop talking about it when we were talking earlier. Said you two had the best time dancing and just laughing because you kept stepping on her feet.”_

_“It was okay. I’m a lousy dancer.”_

_“I know, I’ve seen you try to dance. Two left feet. Or...right feet. Whichever.”_

_They both shared a small laugh as the line fell silent. A few moments. Nothing was said then Kris found himself sitting up on the couch, a little puppy a little puppy beagle coming to crawl into his lap. “Adam?”_

_“It’s really nice to hear your voice. I don’t think we’ve really talked that much lately. It seems like forever, Kris.”_

_“We’re talking right now.”_

_“Yeah...We’re talking. I like talking to you...I really do.”_

_“Is everything alright?” Kris asked him. “Is there something wrong?”_

_“I...”_

_Kris pushed himself to the edge of the couch, the puppy giving a little playful growl as she stumbled off of of him and running off. “Tell me what’s wrong,” Kris said. “There’s something wrong, isn’t there?”_

_“I n-need your help.”_

_“With...?”_

_“I...I think uh- I think I might need to get stitches.”_

_Kris was quiet a moment, moving off of the couch. No matter what, Kris was always there for him. Or he tried to be as much as he could. Both he and Katy found Adam to be a part of the family. They looked out for each other. Did what normal families would do for each other. “Can you meet me outside your apartment? I can be there in ten. And then we’ll go over to the hospital.”_

_“Y-Yeah. Yeah. Thanks Kris.”_

_Kris grabbed his keys on the way out of the door. Driving quickly when he could. That was what he hated about driving, traffic. Always slowing you down when you needed to be somewhere. When he finally pulled up, he saw Adam just sitting on the curb waiting for him. His head bowed, looking at the ground. There was something about him that made Kris’ heartbreak._

_When Adam looked up he gave a slight smile before he stood. His arm was held against him as He held his he walked over and opened the car door, getting in._

_“Are you okay?” Kris turned to him._

_Adam just gave a single nod, looking out the window as they drove to the hospital. Silence._

_Outside the hospital, Kris parked his car. They walked in the double doors without saying a word to each other. Kris didn’t understand why Adam was being so weird about this. Had he never had stitches before? Kris had them a few times as a child. He was always doing something to hurt himself like falling off his bike or falling out of tree. That one time falling out of the tree was terrible. He needed nine stitches in his head._

_They talked to a woman at the front desk who said, “Please fill out these forms.” And Adam did slowly, having to write with the wrong hand, while the other arm was being cradled against his chest. Was anything even soaking up the blood?_

_It took a good twenty minutes for a nurse to come to take them into another room. The whole time Kris tried not to look at the blood. He hated the blood. Even when he had gotten stitches he felt faint. Just looking at any ounce of blood got him that way._

_“Alright sweetie, this is going to sting,” She had put on gloves and was rolling Adam’s sleeve up. She stopped dead in her tracks before pulling the washrag from Adam’s lower arm. He had other scars. Obviously self-inflicted._

_“You okay?” Kris asked._

_“Y-Yeah. Just got nervous.” He gave his hand back to Kris and watched her start to clean the wound._

_The stitches hurt like a son of bitch._

**February 15th, 2016**

Kris had dozed off in that same awkward position. His elbow resting against the arm of the chair as he leaned against his hand. He had to have been sleeping for only a few moments. It couldn’t have been more than that. Instead of his head scooting off of his hand that woke him it was a simple touch that did. A nurse most likely just wanting to tell him that it was probably best that he’d go home and get some rest. Which, he thought about to be truthfully. At home he had a nice bed waiting. He would lay down and instantly be a sleep. Kris let out a little moan as he was touched again, causing his eyes to fly open as he stood. “I’ll leave nurse. I -” He looked around. No nurse was even in the room. His eyes scanned back to the bed.

“W -”

“You’re awake,” Kris said. “I didn’t think you were going to wake up. The doctor said you would...but...it was just a matter of when. And that could have been days, I’m sure. Just waiting for your eyes to open and you to be responsive.”

“Would you stop talking?” Tommy asked hoarsely.

“Water. You probably want water? Do you want water? I can get you some.” Kris looked around the room quickly then back to Tommy. He really didn’t know what to do. Maybe get a nurse. They probably would want to know he was awake.

Tommy stared at him. Glared, actually. What did he remember about the night before? He was obviously pretty drunk, unless of course he wasn’t, and this had been a sober choice. Kris couldn’t really imagine that.

“I’m going to get a nurse...”

“Why did you save me?” Tommy said quietly. Kris almost didn’t hear. He didn’t _want_ to hear. “You should have just fucking left me there.”

Kris scoffed. “Right, I was going to leave you in that apartment while you were still breathing, turn around and walk out the door. That was going to happen.” He stepped closer to the hospital bed. He probably should be going easy on Tommy. After all, he wasn’t in his right mind but _how dare he?_ “This isn’t going to solve anything. Sitting in your apartment and drinking the days away isn’t going to solve anything. It isn’t going to bring Adam back.”

“But it sure makes it less real.” Tommy said. “We could have saved him!”

“No, we couldn’t have! Did you not hear? His death was an accident. There was nothing we could have fucking done. Even being there, he probably still would have....” Kris paused. He realized the news had said _accident_ , but never mentioned what kind of accident. The only person that had been there was Gabriel, and he was keeping quiet. He became defensive whenever someone asked about _that night_.

Tommy reached up with one weak arm, grabbing a fist full of Kris’ shirt. “Don’t you dare tell me there isn’t something wrong with this picture. You and I both know it.” He growled, pushing Kris back as hard as he could. “Now, get the fuck out of my room.”


	6. Chapter six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris and Sauli have an interesting relationship.

**December 23th, 2012**

_There was nothing more fascinating about the Holiday season then the people rushing out of their houses and just flocking to crowd places. Commotion was sure to happen. People were crazy around the ‘Happiest season of all’. Happiness was a chaotic feeling. Getting everything together. Finding the perfect gift for your family and your friends. Decorating the tree and your house. Then there was the holiday parties. Those were always fun. Drinking egg nog, celebrating in the holiday spirit, singing along to jingles. That was what the holiday season was about._

_Kris loved Christmas. There was nothing like it. Since he had moved to L.A. he hadn’t really had the perfect Christmas. The perfect Christmas, of course would be with his family back home. His family was always doing those things that got him into the spirit. But he started to believe that to surround yourself with people who care that you’ll find happiness when you least expect it._

_Somehow, he found himself hosting a party all. Okay, it hadn’t been his idea, it was all Katy’s idea. He grew to like the idea the more he spent time decorating for it. Then there was of course making different platters for the guests that showed. Lastly, greeting people with **Happy Holidays!**_

_It was about an hour and a half in. He did have fun the first thirty or so minutes. But then things kind of got a little boring and he found himself just simply walking around scoping out the crowd with a beer in his hand. The apartment was packed, light music playing as people chatted or even danced._

_Someone in particular seemed like they were having the most fun. Adam’s friend Tommy Joe Ratliff. He was all over the girls in the party. But he didn’t limit himself, he was all over some of the guys. It was not just dancing with them. It was getting heavily into things. The girls would push him away, the guys would give him horrible looks._

_Kris didn’t mind it him being flirty. There was nothing wrong with that. Kris did have a problem with him being smashed. The people around him were his friends; Katy’s friends. He liked to keep good impressions and Tommy wasn’t a good impression. Nowhere even close to being. Things were kind of just getting to be too much for Kris to continue watching. He had to go over and just stop the madness._

_Tommy had stepped back from the girl before he even got there. It seemed like he was looking around for his next prey. Just stalking for his next victim. Kris sighed. He really hated the guy._

_“Hey,” Kris said._

_A smile came to Tommy’s lips, turning towards him. His arm rose, the bottle of beer going out in front of him. “Man of the hour-no, day! Cheeers man!”_

_“I think you should leave.”_

_“Leave? But I’m having funnn!” He came closer to him, his arm lacing around his Kris’ neck . His breath stunk of beer. Ew. It had to be the worst smell. Sure, Kris was a beer drinker but just the smell made him feel nauseated._

_“I think you need to stop drinking at least. And maybe even use the spare room to sleep it off. You’re...”_

_“You know...” He let out a little chuckle. “You’re kind of cute. Adam talks about you connnnstantly but never about you’re cuuuuteness. Adorrrable. Kissable.” Quickly, Tommy leaned in. Before Kris even knew what was happening, Tommy’s lips were on his._

_“Okay,” Kris heard before someone stepped in between them. It took a moment to actually blink out of his trance to see a shorter man standing in front of him. “Maybe it’s time someone takes you home.”_

_“Sauli, Sauli, Sauli!” Tommy drawled, “I forgot you were here! Shouldn’t you be home with the family? I mean, you aren’t Adam’s boy toy anymore.”_

_Sauli ignored that and took a hold of his arm. “Why don’t I drive you home, yes? We don’t need you to be ill at a party.” He pulled gently at Tommy’s arm, but Tommy shook him off. “Let me put it another way. Kris ask you nicely to leave his home, you are no longer welcome here.”_

_Out of the corner of his eye, Kris could see Adam watching the three of them nervously. Why hadn’t he butted in yet? He had brought Tommy instead of Gabriel, shouldn’t he be telling Tommy to tone it down a bit?_

_Even Brad and Cassidy, who he had reluctantly invited, were behaving themselves._

_“Fine, whatever,” Tommy slurred. “This party sucks anyways.”_

_He jerked his arm away, heading for the door. What an ass._

_Sauli patted Kris’ arm. “There’s always one at every party. I’ll be back soon.”_

_Kris looked over at Adam, who was trying his hardest to ignore what was going on. If he didn’t want to deal with Tommy’s drunken shit, he shouldn’t have brought him._

**January 1st, 2013**

_Hanging out with Sauli had become a regular thing for Kris. He found himself calling him just to talk about things. Even to grab a bite to eat. It started after the Christmas party. Sauli had come back to the apartment after the party had ended and they sat in the kitchen just talking for most of the night._

_Time just seemed to go by. Conversation came easily and they realized that they had more than one thing in common. Sauli told Kris about Finland. He talked about his childhood and growing up how he got into modeling. And Kris did the same thing. Told him about what it was like being in the public eye and how though he liked winning American Idol and having his dream come true, he kind hated what it brought. Non-stop paparazzi following them around. Asking questions about his wife and his relationship. Gossip. How he sometimes even went on the internet to google his name to see what came up. What he saw, usually surprising him. Or even the stupid things. Pictures photoshopped to make it look like he was doing something he wasn’t._

_A few days later, still they hadn’t ran out of things to talk about. Everyday things seemed to flow out and Kris began to kind of loosen up a bit._

_Since Katy went back to Arkansas to visit her family the house had become somewhat quiet. Of course there was Lux, the little puppy beagle they adopted, but that still wasn’t the same as having his wife around. Coming home to an empty house just made him feel...lonely. He had remembered that Sauli had told him that if he ever needed anything that he could call and he would try to do his best to fulfill whatever it was._

_Once he had arrived, things were a lot less lonely._

_They had a couple of beers. Just enough for the little buzz, but not too much for the drunkeness. Kris had a smile on his face as he laughed to something Sauli had said. The laugh died down, and he kind of went quiet for a moment. His eyes just looking at the other man. “I’ve been thinking about something,” Kris said, taking just a small amount of liquid in from the bottle. “But I don’t really know what to think about it.”_

_“Oh yeah?” Sauli asked, setting his beer down on the table. He’s enjoyed these talks with Kris. Sure, it was a weird friendship, if you thought about it. It was his ex’s crush. Obvious crush. Adam and him didn’t work out for reasons that didn’t have anything to do with Kris. It mostly had to do with the distance and Adam working so much. He was amazed Adam had someone right now. “What’s that?”_

_Kris was quiet for a moment. “I keep thinking about that kiss Tommy gave me. And I find myself just sitting around just thinking about it. I...I don’t know what **to** think about it. It just comes into my head at the most random times.”_

_Sauli blinked. “You’re not **really** letting that kiss bother you, right? Tommy was drunk.” He’s always drunk, Sauli wanted to added, but he didn’t. “He just wanted to....get you...how you say it, twisted up? Don’t let it bother you.”_

_“Oh, I know that Tommy wanted to get to me. I didn’t have to know him for very long to realize that. Just the way he acted at the party was stupid. Rude. But...I didn’t pull away from the kiss. I just...let it happen. And it uh - it wasn’t that bad. The weird part though, is that I’ve thought about **it** before.”_

_“Kris,” He said slowly, sitting on the edge of his chair and looking straight at him. “Are you telling me that you are questioning your sexuality?”_

_“I...I think I’ve been questioning myself for awhile and I just pushed it all back. The feelings and everything. And there have been feelings before now. I just put them on the back burner and kind of hoped they’d go away. And I think in the end that kind of bit me in the ass. Because I can’t seem to stop now.”_

_Sauli sighed, he leaned a little closer to take Kris’ hand. “This is not something you figure out overnight, it takes awhile. Sometimes, you don’t even know till you are fifty. Some people. But almost everyone has a sexuality crisis at some point in their life, so don’t worry about liking the kiss, yeah?”_

_He rubbed circles on the back of Kris’ hand and smiled softly._

_“Even you? You’ve...questioned yourself?” His eyes averted down to look at their hands, then back up. “You question yourself?”_

_“Yes, I have. You know, when I was thirteen, I liked this girl in school. It confused me, I thought I knew who I was. But, I guess I was just attracted to her kindness. We became friends, and kissed once, and it didn’t feel right. She was very understanding.”_

_“And that’s how you knew? Because the kiss didn’t seem right? The problem with that,” he gave a soft little chuckle. “The problem with that is that I’m married. I do love Katy. And...I’m just confused right now. Really confused.”_

_“I actually didn’t know until....My first time with a guy.”_

_“Your first time.” He watched Sauli closely as he gave a nod. The man’s head still tilted downward. Something...intrigued him just the slightest. When he looked up Kris inched in ward and pressed his lips gently against his. At first it was just that single kiss, Kris’ lips just staying there on Sauli’s like he was waiting for some kind of reaction. When there wasn’t one, he began to pull away only to be brought back gently against Sauli’s lips. His lips moved with ease as did what came natural._

_He pushed Sauli back down on the couch. The kissing got a little more intense. A little more hungrier. There was a wanting in Kris that was clear._

_It seemed like they were on the same wave length. At the same time they went for each other’s shirt buttons, only to get tangled up. That was what caused them to break apart. Kris looked down at him. He looked embarrassed like he thought that maybe the kiss shouldn’t have happened. “Sorry,” Sauli said._

_“Sorry for what?” Kris moved his hand up to unbutton Sauli’s shirt buttons, his eyes staying on him. “You didn’t do anything.”_

_“But you are married,” Sauli stated the obvious. “I am unsure if this is a good idea.” He wasn’t stopping Kris from unbuttoning his shirt._

_Kris leaned down, his lips pressing against Sauli’s chest, moving himself down then back up. Everything seemed to happen kind of quickly but at the same time, it was slow. Kris had pulled away, moving off of the other man before he looked down at him. His eyes going right to those ocean blue eyes before he leaned down and brought him back into a kiss, moving his arms around Sauli to pull him up but he only fell forward and onto him._

__

**February 20th, 2016**

Kris had done his best to ignore Brad, or Cassidy. They had been calling up his phone non-stop. How did he even become friends with the two? The two were kind of perfect together but insisted they were just friends. Everyone swore they were more than that. They probably were. It wouldn’t surprise him if they just have some arrangement of some sort to have freaky casual sex. Kris shook his head. If it wasn’t Cassidy or Brad, on the phone, it was his manager.

Kris focused more on writing for a change. There was so much inside that he hoped as soon as he picked up a pencil things just seemed to come out. His mind was running full of ideas that were released onto paper. Or, well, he tried to release them onto paper. He realized things were complicated. Normal. Everything was complicated and it had always been. It was a constant struggle that he fought against but failed.

Conclusion: Life got complicated but trying to explain it in words? That seemed a little more complicated.

“I can’t do this,” he said as he looked over at Sauli who was sitting on the other end of the couch. “Why does life have to suck so much? It seems like things just never work out. Or things happen so they won’t. I can’t even write a freaking song. Everything is crap. Just scribbles on a freaking pad of paper.”

“Do not push yourself so much, kulta.” Sauli said, turning his head to look at Kris. He’d been watching the the news on mute. Why he was doing that was a mystery, they would mention something about Adam’s death every once and awhile. Maybe this was his way of coping? “Would you like to go out somewhere? You haven’t been out in days.”

_And please answer that phone!_ Sauli’s inner thoughts screamed as the shrill ring started up again.

Kris looked down at his phone looking at who was calling. He gave a sigh. It was predictable by now. “I wish he would just stop calling. You’d think that he’d get the hint, you know? But he just keeps calling. But you have to think. It’s Brad Bell. He’s an idiot that just annoys the freaking hell out of you until you do what he says.”

“Why don’t you let me answer the phone? Maybe he will then get the hint that you do not want to talk to him.” Sauli suggested.

“All he’s going to do is tell me I should do something that I don’t want to do. And I just don’t want to listen to it. I just want everything to go away.” Kris looked to the TV screen just as an image of Adam came on. “Ugh! I just wish it would die down. It’s been over a month and you’d think that it would have! He’s dead! Yeah! We get the freaking hint. I just want it to stop. Everyone just needs to get past it. He wouldn’t want people to act like this because of him. Adam isn’t that type of person. He’s the type that would want people to try and be somewhat happy and just...he would want people to celebrate his passing.”

Sauli clicked the power button on the remote. He really didn’t have any comforting words, though he didn’t think Kris was quite over Adam’s passing as he was letting on, but he didn’t say anything. He stared down at Kris’ phone, that was going off again, and this time didn’t ask, he picked it up. “Can I help you, Bradley?” He said, watching Kris’ face redden with anger. But something could be wrong as well as Brad just being his normal annoying self.

Listening to the one ended conversation just made him more angry and he just reached over and took the phone from Sauli, leaning back on the couch as he placed the phone to his ear. “Don’t you have a life? You’re supposed to be living it. But all you’re doing is stalking me. Should I call the cops or yet file a restraining order? It’s getting kind of annoying because you just keep calling. It’s like every two minutes. Sometimes, just sometimes the calls actually wait five fucking minutes.”

The end of the phone was silent but Kris knew Brad quite well. He had to be the last to talk in every conversation. “What if I was calling to tell you something important?”

“Brad, get a fucking life. Don’t go to those fucking clubs to get fucked up only to end up in some strangers arms in the same night. Hey, maybe you could do everyone a favor and just find someone to spend your life with. Or better yet, look right in front of your fucking face. Have a nice day.” Kris moved the phone down from his ear, throwing it down on the couch beside him. “I hate that guy. I really do.”

“I do not understand, Kris. He is going to keep calling you until you listen to what he has to say, so why don’t you?”

“You don’t know Brad better than I do. I’ve known him for longer and I just get fucking fed up with him. Just everything about him. He puts himself out there and just acts stupid so guys will ultimately fuck him into a mattress as hard as they can. Meaningless. And the only thing he wants to tell me, most likely that I should go check up on Tommy. Who was released the other day from the hospital.”

Sauli looked taken aback. “Tommy was in the hospital? What for?” He asked.

Kris stared at him. He made the point not to tell a lot of people about what had happened to Tommy. Brad was the first on the list to tell though. Brad at this thing where he would always tell Tommy he was like an adopted member of the family. Called him his little pet. Kris rolled his eyes at that when he first heard it used. Pet. Who calls a person a pet? He had even reached up and ran his fingers through Tommy’s hair. Kris treaded lightly due to the fact that he hadn’t told him yet. And usually he would tell him just about anything and everything. “Tommy went into the hospital a few days ago. I found him in his room. He swallowed a lot of pills that he hoped would put him out of his misery. And it didn’t. I honestly, don’t really care.”

“Oh.” Sauli looked down at the floor. He knew Tommy was taking Adam’s death hard, but he didn’t expect that. To be honest, he didn’t know what to expect. He really wanted everyone to be more angry....more upset. “I respect your choice, Kris, but I do not understand you couldn’t be wondering how Tommy is doing.”

“I’m not. The guy tried to kill himself. I mean, come on. That’s not the fucking answer to your problems. You don’t go and off yourself because you can’t stand to live without someone.”

“Do you ever stop to think maybe his mind - his alcoholic brain is telling him he can’t live without Adam? Or this could have just been the icing on the cake, that just pushed him over the edge. He hasn’t been right for a long time, Kris.” Sauli said, “I’m sorry not everyone is coping as good as you, but you know, I really fucking wish we were.”

“What do you want me to do? You want me to just sit here and tell you that I’m pissed off at Adam? Or that I haven’t slept good since it happened. Or that sometimes, just sometimes I think he’s here but then I actually think...oh, wait. He’s fucking dead. And I don’t really know how he died because I wasn’t fucking told anything except his death was _accidental_ so who knows really how he died? Or do you want me to cry? Or throw a temper tantrum? That’s really not who I am. I don’t sit in front of people and tell them my problems. I don’t blab them to the world. They’re not supposed to be heard let alone seen to the world. Emotions are something you’re supposed to keep yourself because in the end, they make you look fucking stupid.”

Sauli took a deep breath before he opened his mouth to speak again. He knew this might hurt Kris, but he couldn’t help it, “You know, I used to feel bad because we were hooking up when I came here every once and awhile and Adam never got to even kiss you. But now, I’m not so sure about that. Maybe he was better off without you. Have a good fucking life, Kris Allen.” He stood up off the couch, stomping angrily into the hallway, and out the door with a huge **BANG.**


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been two months since Adam passed away and someone unexpected makes an appearance.

**January 4th, 2013**

_Bring the new year in with a bang, everyone told him. He was pretty sure it wasn’t supposed to be taken so literally. It was supposed to mean spending the last few moments of the new year with the people - or person that means the most to you._

_He did that._

_He had his midnight kiss with Katy followed by a nice dessert. Then Katy went off to visit her family while Kris had work. He was pretty sure that it didn’t mean that he was supposed to mess around with another person. Especially after a nice night with his wife. That was a great way to bring in the new year. Just thinking about it made him feel kind of sick._

_Eating breakfast while Katy made herself busy with getting orange juice for the two of them, was almost impossible. Her long blonde hair was thrown up in a messy bun and she still had her pajamas on; cartoon sleep pants and a simple tank top. She looked beautiful. Just as beautiful as the day he had met her._

_He loved his wife. He did. They were best friends when they got married and he’d like to think that they were still. They told each other everything. Well, almost everything. Kris has been keeping things more to himself lately and that just made him feel guilty. Just keeping things from her made him feel guilty._

_Guilt could eat you alive._

_She came back and placed the glass on the table in front of him before sitting down in her chair. A smile Come to her lips as she picked up her fork, “I hope you like it. It’s your favorite. Sunny side up eggs with Bacon.”_

_Kris couldn’t help but just stare at her. He somehow found himself nodding. “I’m-I’m sure I will.”_

_She still smiled and for what seemed like the longest time, she was quiet. They both were. It made him kind of squirm just a tad as he watched her look down at her plate and eat what was on it._

_“I need to tell you something,” he sighed. There was no way that he could do this any longer. He was going crazy._

_She looked up at him,”Yes?”_

_“I...I...Something happened a few days ago.”_

_“Something?”_

_“Yes. Something happened...I - I kind of slept with someone else. It just happened and I knew it was happening. I let it happen.”_

_Her face was emotionless, unreadable. “Slept with someon - someone else?” There it was. Emotion. A crack in her voice._

_“Yes.”_

_“W -” Her fork was dropped with a clank. “Wh-who?”_

_A deep breath. His heart was beating kind of quickly at what he had to say next - what he needed to say next. “I slept with - I uh - I slept with Sauli.”_

_“Sauli?” She asked, her mouth dropping open. “I don’t understand, Kris. Why would you do that? Are you not....feeling needed enough by me?”_

_This time it was Kris’ turn to have his mouth fall open. Did she not hear what he said. He slept with Sauli. A another **man.** Shouldn’t she be just a little focused on that? “I don’t - I....I’m so confused, Katy. I’m so sorry.”_

_Katy sat back in her chair, letting out a sigh. She still looked angry, but she also looked like she wanted to talk calmly about this. Good, Kris really didn’t want to yelled at. “What are you confused about, Kris?”_

_“I - I think I....” He looked down at the table, tracing little lines. Was he really about to tell his wife he was attracted to men? Kris really didn’t want to do this anymore. “I think I like men, too.”_

_Katy nodded. “I’ve had a feeling. Ever since the end of the **Idol** tour, you’ve been different. At first, I didn’t know what it was,” She paused for a few minutes. “Then we saw Adam at the AMAs, and I saw it in your eyes. You felt something for him. You still **do** feel something for him, and he loves you. I guess I was just waiting for you to say something.”_

_Kris didn’t deny it. There was no use when Katy knew him so well. The last thing on his mind right now was Adam. He was more worried about how this was going to end. Katy was going to divorce him for sure, and she had every right to. She needed someone that would treat her like a queen, and wasn’t going to step out on her._

**March 7th, 2016 Part One**

Alone.

Kris had never felt more alone in his life. It was like he was some kind of robot that only consisted of doing a total of three things. Eat, sleep, work. He felt like it. Felt like someone that was drained and worn out like an old pair of converses. There was nothing he wanted to do more than just crawl up in bed after a long day of work and just sleep.

He felt exhausted and the sad part was even if he went to lay down in bed, he wouldn’t sleep. Just closing his eyes and laying there wouldn’t work. So, he’d be up for most of the night only to fall asleep on the living room couch right before the sun was to come up. He honestly didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was all the tension in his shoulders, his neck and his whole freaking body. Or maybe it was because he was falling asleep on the couch. Couches can get you in the most weird positions. Though they might feel comfortable at the time, they usually made just about everything hurt when you wake up.

Kris sighed, looking down at the dog on the floor next to his feet.

 _Just you and me, Lux._

The dog looked back at him, lazily before resting its head back down. Probably ready for yet another nap. Dogs had it so easy when it came to sleeping. They always seemed tired. Always sleeping. He wished he was a dog. He would love to sleep all day only to get treats for being a ‘good boy’. 

Kris looked back at the table in front of him. Pieces of papers were scattered all over the table. Frustration was all that he felt. He barely even got work down. Renting out stupid time to go in and take several takes on one song but never making it to the second song. Or even having problems with his vocals. His voice would crack when he tried to reach a note that he couldn’t get to. Then the band members, his friends, would make comments about him losing his touch and saying that maybe he needed a break. It seemed like he’d been taking one. He was basically doing nothing besides being a couch potato. 

At his feet he felt Lux move to stand. Her body turning towards the sink and letting out a loud bark. Kris ducked his head downward at the table at the papers in front of him. Dogs. They barked at anything and everything.

Another bark filled the room, making Kris jump a little as he turned to look at Lux. “Girl, why don’t you go lay down. Please. I’m too tired. You were just let out earlier. Now, it’s time to lay down. “

The dog just stood there before she started to walk.

Kris looked back at the table. Might as well call it a night. Or at least try to call it a night. Standing, he leaned across the table to scoot the papers closer to him before gathering them into a neater stack. He placed them back down then turned.

Lux was still there. What was going on with her these days? There was no telling what. “Come on, girl. There’s a bed awaiting us.”

Nothing. Kris walked closer to the dog, she had moved to sit down, her paw moving up. A trick Kris had taught her. Shaking his hand. Kris’ eyes scanned the area. No spider was crawling up the way, no cat in sight, no leaky faucet. No - Kris’ eyes stopped. In the other side of the sink - where the dish strainer was there was one single glass.

A glass.

Kris walked over to the sink and looked at the strainer. He hadn’t had wine in months. Settled for beer. It tasted a lot better.

He picked up the glass slowly, holding it up to the light. There had been nothing in it. Was it possible he found it somewhere around the house earlier and just left it there in the strainer to put away later? No, he wasn’t _that_ lazy. And didn’t he get rid of all his wine glasses two months ago?

_....Two months ago._

The glass slipped from Kris’ hand, and Lux jumped from the floor with a yelp. Kris slowly took out his phone to check the date. The lack of sleep had caused him to not pay attention to what day it was.

He turned his phone on, staring at the bottom of the screen.

 _March 7th_.

No, it wasn’t possible. There hadn’t been a wine glass in there. He was tired and seeing things. He needed sleep, badly.

Kris put his phone on the counter, “Lux, let’s go.”

She barked, and lead the way out of the kitchen. Was he finally losing his mind?

**March 7th, 2016 Part Two**

It took forever to get Brad out of the his apartment. Took him forever to convince him that he was okay and that it was okay to leave him alone so he didn’t feel like he was being watched when he was attempting to sleep. He hated that. If anything, the hospital made him feel paranoid. Tommy didn’t like it one bit. It felt like every two minutes someone came into the room while you were sleeping. Even when he had did his time in the psychiatric ward.

What was it with those people? They ruled people’s lives. Telling them they had to keep him for at least seventy two hours so they knew he wasn’t going to pose any threat to himself. What a bunch of bullshit. No part of him whatsoever regretted what he had done. And people couldn’t just accept that.

Ever since he had gotten out, all he’s been doing is getting annoyed by Brad and resting on the couch. And honestly, it was a relief to have seen Brad leave. He had a feeling, that it wouldn’t be the last time he’d see Brad. He would be back.

Tommy turned from the door to look at his apartment. It was spotless. His apartment was never this clean and he liked it that way. He used to know where everything was: his keys, his wallet, his bass. Now, everything seemed to be out of place. All thanks to Cassidy. He got every speck of dust off of the fans. Never had he pictured the man to be a clean freak. But he was. They both kind of were.

He tried not to think anymore about them. He just wanted to get to bed. It was late and his eyes were closing and no matter he tried to keep them open, they ultimately closed. Laying down would be nice. Moving into his bed, and just...sleeping.

His body felt heavy as he dragged himself into bed, and pulled the covers over himself. He didn’t get any sleep in the ward between the checks every fifteen minutes, and the roommate he had been stuck with constantly moaning in his sleep. Having heard how he came to be there, he did feel bad for the guy. The guy was twenty, dealing with post traumatic stress disorder and had watched his father murder his mother who was sleeping in bed next to him. All because he thought his mother was cheating on him with another man. 

Tommy turned over trying not to think about it. He’d been out of the hospital for just over two weeks and still distant screams from the hallways haunted his dreams at night. He could hear someone down the hallway screaming for his father to stop beating him, and across the hall a girls voice talking to someone really loudly. He couldn’t hear the other person. That place was enough to drive anyone mad. 

As he began to drift off, images of peaceful fields passed in front of his closed eyes just before he felt something touch his head. If he was getting spiders in the apartment again, he was going to light it on fire.

His hand rose to brush the side of his head. Nothing. It made him actually feel relieved. There was no way that he could deal with more spiders. They had almost took over his apartment. He was glad he had gotten rid of them. He didn’t know if he could deal with anymore. Sometimes it made him wonder if it was just him who saw them. They never seemed to come out with anyone else was there. 

He shook his head before he brought his arm back under the blanket. That was the exact moment when it started up again. It felt like someone was running their hand through his hair. _ignore, Tommy. Ignore._ he thought to himself. That’s what he tried to do. Ignore it. But there was something about it. Something...familiar.

It felt like he was losing it. Feeling touches that seemed familiar or otherwise, was down right crazy. His eyes slowly opened and there on his bed, curled into his side was...was Adam.

No.

It couldn’t be Adam, he was dead. Dead. There was no way that he could be laying with him on the bed. Just no way. He blinked. Crazy. He was going crazy. But when he opened his eyes, the figure was still on the bed staring at him with those bright blue eyes he used to know so well. Reaching out a hand, his fingers passed through the figure. He jumped back, his arms shaking violently.

What the fuck just happened?

“Don’t be afraid,” Adam said calmly. “I just want to talk to you.”

Tommy stared with his mouth ajar. How was this fucking happening?

“I’m really here Tommy. No one is doing this to you.” And then Adam smirked. “You know, I always loved it when you left your mouth hanging open like that.”

Tommy snapped his mouth shut instantly. “I must be losing my fucking mind. No wonder they put me in the psych ward.”

“Oh yeah, that’s another thing. What the fuck were you thinking? You were going to off yourself? All because of what happened to me?” He said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Like he wasn’t a ghost and just his friend Adam. “I watched you stumble into your room – oh and remember when you told me you stopped drinking? Thanks for lying about that – and watched you down those pills. If Kris wouldn’t have found you in another fifteen minutes, you would have been gone.”

“I wish he wouldn’t have. He should have left me there, the fucker hates me anyways.”

“It’s not your time, Tommy.”

“Oh, but it was yours?!” He screamed. “Tell me how it was _your time_ Adam! Make me understand why you were fucking taken from us! Why I woke up that morning and Isaac was at my door. He found out _on the news_.” Tommy huffed, rising onto his knees to yell, “How did it happen, anyways? The only other person in that house hasn’t said a fucking word about what happened!”

“Tommy –“

“Just fucking get out of here, Adam, or whatever...whoever you are. Go visit Kris. You know, the one you were in love with? He’s doing great, by the way, totally over you – it’s like nothing even happened!”

“Kris doesn’t need me right now, Tommy.”

“And I don’t need you!” Tommy screeched, pushing himself off the bed and grabbing the lamp off the nightstand. “I never needed you! I don’t fucking need _anyone!_ ” He threw the lamp at Adam, and it passed through his body, crashing against the wall. Tommy fell to the ground, head buried in his arm. “You aren’t real, you aren’t real!” He chanted to himself. So badly he wanted to sleep. It has done wonders to his mind not to sleep. Seeing things! Just seeing things. He was just seeing things.

All he wanted now more ever was to be _dead_

**March 7th, 2016 Part Three**

The only thing that Kris hated more than the phone ringing was the phone ringing at midnight. It pissed him off more than anything. Being woken by some stupid lunatic that didn’t have a life or even had insomnia. Who would call someone at midnight? He couldn’t understand it. Just when he had gotten asleep it figured that it would ring. Not even looking at who was calling, he placed it to his ear. His eyes fluttered back shut, giving a little sigh. Just what he wanted; to be talking to someone at midnight. “Hello?”

“I saw him. I saw him. He was laying right next to me...”

Kris was quiet. It was too early for this bullshit. All he wanted to do was listen to his body and just go back to sleep. Especially if he had to listen to Tommy’s drunken midnight chatter. The man needed to get his fucking act together. Since he could remember he had drank. Since he could remember, he was also an idiot “I’m going back to sleep. Maybe you should do that. Sleep off the booze.”

“You don’t believe me.”

“I think you’ve drank yourself into hallucinating. And it’s freaking early to be listening to any of it. Why didn’t you just call Brad or Cass? Or even Isaac. I’m sure they would be more than happy to talk to you. Me? I’m not too happy with the early moment sleep interruptions. They might be.”

“I’m not drunk,” Tommy said. “I haven’t drank in a few days.”

“A few days isn’t anything special...It’s really nothing special.”

“Will you just fucking listen to me?!”

“Why the heck did you call me?”

“Because if I call Brad then he’d just play things off like I _was_ crazy. He’s the type of person that would go with everything, playing it up. Plus, I want nothing to do with Brad. He’s just annoying. He and his freaking boyfriend or whatever they are cleaned my apartment and now I don’t know where anything is. And then I went to bed. I closed my eyes. But then something touches me.”

“Touching you. So, you want everyone to believe that...?”

“Adam Lambert was in my fucking bed.”

“I really don’t want to know what’s going on in your bed. That’s something that should just stay between you and well,” he let out a small sarcastic chuckle. “Between you and Adam.”

“Ugh! Why do you have to be so fucking impossible? You’re impossible. Everytime I try to be civil to you it’s like you just turn around and are a complete jerk.”

“Are you going to cry about it? Do you want a bucket to put your tears in? Maybe you could water the plants with it?”

The other end of the line went silent for a few moments. “What did I ever do to you? It seems like everyone...everyone else doesn’t have a problem with me. But you. You just decided that you hate me and didn’t bother getting to know me.” 

“I didn’t just decide to hate you. Everything that I feel towards you has reason. Everything. You’re a coward. You don’t care about anyone around you. You think more about yourself then how what you do affects people.” 

Tommy sighed, “I know what I saw, Kris. He knows about everything that’s going on. About me...personal things about you. But he said you don’t need him right now. I just don’t want to be alone right now. I’m sorry for bothering you.”

The line went dead and Kris put his phone on the nightstand. Personal things about him? What could this _Adam_ that Tommy supposedly saw know about him. He didn’t have many secrets to begin with. But he wasn’t going to worry about it. It was probably just another one of Tommy’s drunken calls. He’d got one before that was meant for Adam, it was mostly babble.

Tommy did sound sober, but over the years he’d gotten pretty good at tricking them.

**March 8th, 2016 Part One**

Sauli kicked the covers off himself and rolled over again. He was not having a good night. The day before he’d talked to Adam’s brother for a while. Lelia was still a mess and Eber was walking around the house as though nothing was wrong. Now ,more than ever, Sauli wanted to be in America helping them out. He’d gotten close to the family while he was dating Adam, and they thought of him almost like a son. But on second thought, that might even hurt them more. He stayed in Finland, trying to keep himself busy with work.

This week he felt more on edge than ever, his hands shaking while trying to type something on the computer, and the Finnish paparazzi was still trying to get something, _anything_ , out of him about Adam’s death. He’d almost pulled a Gabriel and punched someone. But he really didn’t want to end up jail, one time was enough.

Sauli got up and out of bed. Maybe some TV would help. Late night TV was always boring but it was better than nothing. In the living room he sat on the couch, flipping through the channels.

“Sauli,” A voice said. “I thought we told each other everything? You’ve been fucking Kris!”

“I...”

“You’ve been fucking Kris Allen!” Sauli watched as Adam leaned forward on the couch.His hands clasping together. They were painted black just like he remembered them when he was alive. “Why have you not told me about this?”

“I ah - I....” What was he suppose to say? He hadn’t really planned anything out if Adam had found out before. Well, he had planned to duck for cover, but that was really it. But this wasn’t all his fault, Kris was the other partner in this, why wasn’t he talking to Kris?

Adam’s face soften. “I don’t really care, Sauli. It’s over and done with. And if you two get together. If you two fucking make-up after the awful things you said to each other, I’ll be really happy for you.” He said, reaching out over the back of the couch and ghosting his fingers along the back of Sauli’s hand. “I just....I wanted to see you. I needed to see how you were doing.”

“Are you going to be around for a while?”

Adam smiled, “I’ll always be around, if you look hard enough.” He said, and sudden the figure was gone, leaving a cold breeze in the room.

He hated that feeling.

**March 8th, 2016 Part Two**

In the last year Katy has been getting out and back into the whole dating scene. It was a whole new world that was kind of scary to think about. So many different things to explore or getting back into things that she had done before she had been married. It took awhile to actually get back and going. She had been pretty sad about the divorce but at the same time, happy for Kris wanting to be himself. In order for that, it had to end and she had to accept it.

Her friends had dragged her out every now and again to clubs, getting her all dressed up to go out, makeup, dresses that they had said made her look hot enough; making any guy want to take her home and take advantage of her. The truth was, she didn’t want that. She wanted just what she had with Kris. Something that would last.

In time, she had found someone. It took her by surprise. One night she was at the local bar, minding her own business having a beer or two, when he came to sit next to her on the bar stool. She didn’t even realize at first but he smiled to her before he told the bartender that the next round was on him. It was common for him to be nice to her; treat her like she was someone to be protected. It made her feel...special.

At first things were subtle. He would compliment her on the little things. Then it was onto more obvious things: they would hang out, go to movies, act like total idiots by going to the bar and line dancing, and many other things.

Something so simple made her fall for him. But once she saw past everything, it made sense.

Daniel Allen was winning her heart over.

That was the battle she fought every day. Her head went crazy just about every day thinking about what she was doing. Did it make her a bad person? Dating her ex-husband’s brother was kind of weird. Saying it out loud was weirder. And that’s why she hadn’t said it out loud; why she hadn’t told anyone. Not only did she not want to jinx things, she didn’t want to see how everyone would react.

“So,” he let out a little chuckle on the other end of the phone. “What are you wearing?”

“What am I wearing?”

“Yeah...just for certain purposes.”

“Purposes.” She said, standing up from the table. Her phone went to her shoulder and leaned down so she her ear was on receiver. “What kind of purposes?”

“Because I just want to imagine how hot you look in whatever you’re wearing.”

She let out a little giggle, “I don’t think I look hot right now. I’ve been lazing around the house doing nothing all morning. I look like pond scum.”

“You could never look like pond scum.”

“Well,” she looked over to the fridge and opened it before pulling out the orange juice. She closed the door. “I’m -” she stopped mid-sentence. Her blue irises just staring at the door. It was common that she would put notes on the fridge. Sticky notes. There wasn’t a day that she didn’t look at the fridge, so she would put things that she needed to do on it. Just write it down and place it in a spot on the fridge. Then of course, she would look at it and remember she needed to do something. A reliable to do list. Today was no different. But as her eyes looked at the fridge one note stood out. She felt both the carton of orange juice and the phone drop to the floor. It was a blue sticky note, the others yellow.

 _It’s okay to love someone else._

What? That hadn’t been there the last time she had checked. Who enters a kitchen and not look at the fridge? It’s something that just stands out in a room. She blinked. But when she opened her eyes there was another. A pink one.

 _You’re beautiful. Embrace it._

She just stood there. What was going on? Things were just showing up on her fridge and she didn’t know how they got there. Somehow she found a pen in her head, moving to get a sticky note of her own. She leaned down on the counter, she began to shake, making her writing a little scratchy and messy. Doing all she could to just get it written. It was weird. Everything she was doing was crazy. Just plan out crazy.

 _I feel guilty to even think about it. But thanks for the advice. It’s something to think about._

She took a deep breath, moving down to the floor. This was the was oddest thing she’d done. It was just plain out stupid when she thought about it. She just wrote back to a sticky note that somehow appeared on her fridge. 

Her hands went through her hair once before she looked back up. There, in bright green another sticky note. This time, at the bottom of the note there was something that made her eyes widen just a bit. There was a heart, a dash then a capital ‘A’.

At the bottom of every text message she would receive from the dark haired main, there was an ‘A’. Adam Lambert was sending her messages on sticky notes.

How much more insane could something get?


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected "I love you" upsets Kris.

**March 19th, 2016**

Things seemed to get worse when it came to work. He had been in the recording studio for most of the night. Even after his band had gone home, he stayed to mess around with songs; to write. To just play around with some things. A few tracks. Still, he didn’t get much done. If it wasn’t his stumbling over words, it was his voice cracking. Or even missing a string on the guitar. Kris would take deep breaths. It would frustrate him. Every single time. It was to the point he would almost scream. If it wasn’t for Cale then Kris probably would have insisted that they run songs again. Cale had said it was getting late and he had to get home or his wife would kill him. And from there, everyone left him, one by one, leaving him there alone.

It had to have been close to eleven o’clock by the time he was in his car. His radio played softly in the background as he drove. There was nothing more than he wanted right now then a cold beer. It would kind of soothe him a bit. It would make him feel better than he did. He felt warn; exhausted to the point he could really feel it just by the way his back hurt or his eyes wanting to close, and his head constantly throbbing. Beer would make him go peacefully into slumber, resting like he hadn’t before. Sure. It didn’t really work before. Nothing really worked. He wasn’t sleeping. His mind just wouldn’t shut down. Something always ran through it. Constantly moving. Non-stop. It wasn’t like he was going to stop thinking. Of course not. Sleep wasn’t important.

Kris came to a stop at a streetlight. His hand went through his hair, gently gripping at the roots. He took deep breath as his head tilted just a little to peer out the window. Why did he have to get stopped? Why didn’t the light just change as he was approaching it? No. He wasn’t that lucky. As he looked out the window, he stared at a familiar place. He hadn’t been there there in sometime. Didn’t really plan to. Nor did he want to ring the doorbell and wait for it to be opened. Then he would have to explain why he was there. He just didn’t...The light changed and instead of going, he continued to sit there. His eyes just moving back and forth.

Somehow he found himself pulling off and parking his car. He had no idea why but he found himself walking up the stairs of the apartment complex and going right to the door. His hand came up to knock before he took a step back. Air was drew in as he took another deep breath, his head ducking and his hand moving back to rub at his neck. When the door opened he looked up.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Can we just not do this bullshit tonight?” Kris asked back. He really didn’t want to put up with it; couldn’t put up with it. “Let’s just pretend that we can co-exist in the same place. I just...I need a beer and I just don’t want to go home to an empty apartment.”

“You couldn’t go to Brad’s?”

“I was in the area.”

“Really, now?” Tommy raised an eyebrow, leaning on the door frame as his arms crossed in front of him. “You were in the area?”

“Yes. I was headed home...”

“And you decided to sto-”

Kris sighed. “I’ll leave. I’m sorry I bothered you. I won’t do it again and I’ll certainly won’t think that we can actually just --” he shook his head. God, this was a horrible idea. Stupid. He was so stupid. His body turned to leave and he started to walk away.

“Do you want a beer?”

“A beer?” Kris turned back. “Depends on if it’s been poisoned or not. “

“Oh yeah. Yes. It’s been poisoned. I’ve made it my life’s goal to make sure you don’t live past thirty two. So, why don’t you come in and drink a poisoned beer.” Tommy shook his head as he turned back, walking into the apartment.

Kris followed.

The apartment was spotless. It didn’t look as though Tommy had been living there at all since he’d gotten out of the hospital. That wasn’t surprising, he probably was sleeping most of the day. He could tell that he had sleep pants on and a regular t-shirt. There was something that kind of made him think that he just had been in bed laying down or even on the couch. His hair was in all directions, sticking up.

Tommy re-entered the living room carrying two beers. So much for staying sober. The two sat down on the couch awkwardly. This was a huge mistake. What were they going to talk about? Should they talk? Tommy probably thought he was losing his mind. Then again, Tommy couldn’t really say anything about that.

“Why are you here, Kris?” Tommy handed him the beer causally, “Are you here to mock me? Because I’m not going to take back what I said...”

“Calm down.” Kris said. “I’m not here to _mock_ you. I just want to have a beer and not be alone for a change.”

“Well, I’m glad I can be there for you,” Tommy scoffed, taking a long drink of his beer. “When I needed you, when I didn’t want to be alone you pretty much told me to fuck off. Haven’t you learned anything from my hospitalization? I’m an unstable mess.”

“You didn’t really give me time to say anything about that.”

“Oh, like you would have dropped everything and come to comfort little old me? Me, who’d just seen....you know.” Tommy waved his beer out in front of him, and Kris flinched. “You think I’m going to hurt you?”

“No,” Kris shook his head. “No. I don’t think that.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. I don’t think that.”

“Huh,” Tommy moved closer to him. His beer bottle swayed a little more in his hand as he did and once again Kris moved back. It made Tommy make a little laugh. Geez he was creeped out so easily. How could he think that Tommy would actually harm someone? He wasn’t like a serial killer that stalked around looking for his next kill. “You’re scared of me?”

“No. Didn’t you hear me? I’m not scared whatsoever. I’m just...You’re kind of really close.” Kris looked up at him as he brought his beer up to take another sip of it. The bottle of beer just hanging there for a moment as he blinked up at him. Tommy looked back and it kind of sent shivers up his spine. “What are you looking at?”

“Nothing. Nothing.” Before he could even say another word, Kris watched as Tommy leaned closer. And closer, and well, closer. Then just like that, their lips were moving slowly up against either others.

**March 19th, 2016 Part Two**

Kris walked slowly up the pathway to his house. That wasn’t how he expected his night to go, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. He really wanted to crawl into bed and have a good nights rest, but of course, he’d end up laying there for hours, tossing and turning.

He stopped dead in his tracks, finding a man sitting on his doorstep. It was Sauli. Wasn’t he supposed to be home in Finland?

Sauli approached him, a soft smile on his lips. Kris didn’t like this. “I have to talk to you,” he said.

“I thought you got everything out you wanted to say last time we saw each other. I’m exhausted, Sauli. I really want to get some sleep.”

Sauli looked up, and he reached his hands out hesitantly. Kris stayed very still. Could he have really come all the way from Finland for _that_? “Sauli, please don’t...”

“Kris, I...”

“No, really, I’m not in the mood.”

“I love you,” He blurted out.

Kris took a step back, staring at him. Did Sauli just say ‘I love you’? No, he couldn’t have. They didn’t have that kind of relationship. It was purely friends with benefits. They had talked about this many times. If either one of them started to develop feelings for the other, they would cut off contact with each other. Obviously, Sauli hadn’t done that.

“You need to go,” Kris said softly.

“No, please. We should talk about this -”

“We aren’t going to talk about anything. We made a promise that feelings were not going to be involved.”

“I did not understand what was happening until we stopped talking to each other.” Sauli argued, and Kris’ heart almost felt bad for him. _Almost_. “And then I -”

“And you what?”

Sauli nervously picked at the ends of his shirt. “I spoke with someone who said we would be good together. If we ever made up for the horrible things we said to each other.”

“We aren’t meant for each other, Sauli.” Kris said softly.

“But -”

“We just aren’t. Even if we tried, there is too much history between us.” Kris hoped he got the point across. What were people going to think if he dated Adam Lambert’s ex? They weren’t going to congratulate him, that’s for sure.

Tears came to Sauli’s eyes. “I guess that is it then. This is goodbye.”

**March 19th, 2016 Part Three**

Sauli drove for over an hour before he came to a hotel. He paid the lady at the front desk before heading to his room. He was just happy for some rest. A nice hot bath would really do him some well.

He almost forgot to take his clothes off before getting in. It was nice. Having the hot water relax him. Take some stress off of his shoulders.

That was something that he should have known. Kris was going to reject him. Just because he came all the way from Finland to tell him a huge secret didn’t make it romantic and it wasn’t going to make Kris fall head over heels in love with him.

“I’m sorry,” A familiar voice broke the silence. Sauli jumped out of his skin, and almost out of the bathtub. A transparent Adam sat on the toilet next to him. This was _just_ \- just what he needed, to be talking to a...ghost. “I didn’t expect you to do that.”

“What did you expect me to do, then?”

“Well, not confess your love to him. At least, not this soon.” Adam looked the same as last time. Sauli had seen him almost two weeks ago. He had to admit, it was stupid. He had to give himself a laugh; falling in love with the bi-curious American Idol. How fucking stupid.

How could Adam not be mad at him? Adam was in love with him as well. That was another reason why they broke up - and though he never said so, it had bugged him knowing that if Kris had magically said yes to Adam, he would have left. Now it bugged him that Kris had taken that hold over him. What was it about that guy? What was so special about him?

“Why are you not angry at me for loving him too?”

“There’s no time for me to be angry or to hate anyone anymore.” Adam said. “I am happy where I am now, as crazy as that sounds.”

“Now?” Sauli blinked, “I thought you were happy with Gabriel, was I wrong?”

“We were having some problems.” Adam replied, “But normal couple problems. Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

Sauli really wanted to ask more questions about that night, but he knew if he did, Adam would disappear. Maybe Adam didn’t even remember what happened to him. He sort of hoped that was the case, he didn’t want to have Adam have to remember what happened to him. Sauli wouldn’t want to remember, whether it be dying in his sleep or a car crash.

If he was going to have an afterlife, he didn’t want to remember.

He reached up out of the tub, and tried to take Adam’s hand. It passed through his skin. It made him pulled back, resting his hand on the edge of the tub. Now, more than ever, he just wanted to touch him. He wanted Adam to hold him; to hug him.

Adam was good at that. Naturally, he was good at comforting people.

“Will you promise me something?” Adam whispered, his teeth seeming to go to bite at his lip. Sauli nodded. He was worried. The transparent Adam looked like he was about to cry. “If something doesn’t feel right. If someone isn’t treating you right, you won’t stay around.”

“What are you talking about -”

_”Just promise me.”_

Sauli nodded slowly. “I promise.”

**January 30th, 2013**

_Tommy woke up with a pounding headache. It couldn’t be morning already, could it? It seemed like just had been stumbling into Adam’s house five minutes ago. He couldn’t believe they came home at all. After all, Adam was thirty-one now. He wasn’t up for staying out all night. Or he probably just wanted to get home to Gabriel, who for some reason, didn’t want to come out and celebrate with them._ He doesn’t like large crowds, _Adam had told him._

_He carefully opened his eyes. The light was blinding. Maybe he would just sleep all day. He was sure Adam and Gabriel wouldn’t mind, they probably would spend all their time in the bedroom anyways._

_“What’s he still doing here?” a voice hissed on the other side of the room. It was Gabriel. Gabriel didn’t seem to like him too much. He didn’t seem to like_ any _of Adam’s friends._

_“He’s just staying here fo-”_

_“Did I give my permission to have him even sit on the couch let alone spend the night on the couch?”_

_“Ga-”_

_“I want him out. I don’t need his drunk no good ass in my house.”_

_“He’s my friend,” he heard Adam say. “Why do I have to be all friendly around your friends and to your family but when it comes to my friends you’re so quick to downgrade them to shit. They’re not shit. They’re fantastic friends that have stayed behind me through thick and thin.”_

_“Did you just get smart?” There was some kind of edge to his voice that just rubbed him the wrong way, even with a fucking hangover. “Don’t get smart with me. Don’t you dare get smart with me Adam.”_

_“I-I’m n-not.”_

_Tommy stayed still, listening to it and there was something wrong. There was something in Adam’s voice that made him seem...it made him seem like he was...Adam Lambert was scared. There was fear in that voice that he heard. Actual fear. It kind of scared him. He was never the type of person to scare easily. He was always getting those scary movies at the movie store. Insisting that they got gorey ones, too._

_“Yes, you are. Don’t do it again. Or you know what will happen. You don’t want your tight ass to be as worn out as it was the last time. You begged me to stop and I just kept going. As hard as I could. It had to been the best fucking I’ve ever had. Just pushing all that I had into you, hearing you kind of give that little squealing noise. It was a turn on. And you loved every bit of it. It turned you on just as it turned me on.”_

_“Ga-”_

_“Do you want me to fuck you right here in front of your friend? I can even drill his ass as hard as I would yours. Would that turn you on? Watching him be fucked by me?”_

_“N-No. No. Please don’t get him into this. Please. I’m sorry,” Adam said. “I’m sorry. I won’t let any of my friends come over h-here again.”_

_“Is that right?”_

_“Y-yes. Yes. I won’t let them come over. If they ask, I’ll make sure to avoid things. I’m sorry.”_

_“Do you love me?” He heard Gabriel’s voice grow softer. “You know that I do, right? You know that I love you?”_

_“I love you too.”_


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brad drags Kris and Tommy out to a concert.

**April 1st, 2016**

There was no way that it was happening. There was no way that he was being roped into this. Just no way. How did it happen? He had no clue. Kris had been sitting in this living room watching TV and all of a sudden Brad was there. He had moved into the way of the TV so Kris had to look up at him. That was when he knew Brad had something on his mind. Something that included him. Something that wasn’t going to be...pleasantly in his favor.

He was right. It wasn’t pleasant. 

He found himself being pulled into the kitchen where, just so happened, Cassidy had been waiting with a whole load of things. It crowded his whole kitchen. They had clothes, makeup, and...wigs. It made his heart sink. There wasn’t even a choice being asked. No, yes or no’s. He was just being pushed into the chair. Pushed as hard as Brad’s scrawny arms could push, which was pretty hard, if he did say so himself. 

“What the _fuck_ are you doing?” Kris asked, staring up at the two men who had wicked grins on their faces. He did not like that. And he did not like the current state of his kitchen. It was not a salon.

“We are going out.” Brad said happily. “To a Lady Gaga concert.”

“No way in hell -”

“You need to get out of the house, honey.” Cassidy said. He was looking through the piles of makeup. “And I know you don’t want to deal with the paps, - we don’t either. So we’re dressing up!”

“Like fuck if I’m going to wear a dress.”

“We have skirts too!” Brad held up a red and black kilt-looking skirt. _No fucking way._ Other people may have courage to dress up, mainly Brad and Cassidy - but he did not. He was not wearing a skirt out in public! Who knew what the gossip magazines would say if he was caught in it. It would be a whole mess. His publicity team would have to go in overdrive mode.

Sigh. The fact that Kris found himself in a skirt was kind of unnerving. How he got in it really was a mystery. He lost track of everything. Not just how he got into the skirt, but how he got into the makeup, the platform shoes, and... the wig. Or even how he was standing there with both of the guys staring at him like they were sharks ready to stalk their prey. The thought gave Kris shivers. Just looking that them, them looking at him ...it gave him the creeps.

“Yum,” Brad said, stepping closer to him to fidget with something. Of course. Kris hated being pulled in all directions, yanked down and down. Brad had moved his hand down to his pants. Giving a little pull to make sure everything was in tip top shape.

“Hey, don’t do that.”

“It’s not like I haven’t seen it before, Kristopher. If you can remember we did some fumbling around not too long ago.”

Kris’ cheeks brightened to the shade of crimson as his eyes looked over to Cassidy who looked pretty upset. Everything that he ever thought was confirmed in that moment. Cassidy liked Brad. 

“When did that happen?” Cassidy asked, his voice breaking up a little bit.

“About a month ago.” Brad said absentmindedly. He looked around the table at all the dresses and sighed dramatically, “Seems like mine was left in the car, I’ll be right back!” He said, waltzing out of the kitchen.

“I wouldn’t have....slept with him if I knew.” Kris said as Cassidy attempted to make himself look busy with makeup. “It just sort of happened -”

“Why should I care? It’s not like he’s my boyfriend or anything.”

“But you love him.”

“Love him?” Cassidy just shook his head. “I do not. It’s not like we’re set up to get married or anything. Brad doesn’t see me like that. He’s just-”

“Brad is just -”

“Having sex with strange men at clubs and or even his friends. Yeah. That’s what Brad is doing.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t love him any less.”

Cassidy looked up at him, his eyes just staring at him for a moment. “Look who’s talking. It’s not like you ever told Adam how you felt.”

Kris glared at him, “That’s different. Adam and I...We....he was with someone else. And I was too.”

“For only a few months. You know he would have dropped everything...you know, I don’t care. This isn’t something I care to talk about. The two of you were so stupid dancing around your feelings, and me and Brad aren’t anything like you two. He doesn’t want to settle down. He probably won’t ever.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“Why would I do that?” Cassidy asked, turning away from him. He walked over to the sink and picked up the lone glass in the strainer before letting water drain into it from the faucet. “Stop being stupid. Why would I ruin things? I’m not Sauli either.”

Kris stared at him, his mouth dropping just a little. He didn’t think that anyone really knew about what had happened between Sauli and him. He was kind of shocked. “You know.”

“Know what?”

“Know about Sauli - know that he said _I love you_ to me.”

Cassidy turned around, leaning against the counter as he brought his glass to his mouth to take a sip of water. “I’m not someone who blurts it out when the other part of the equation doesn’t even consider me as someone who he could actually have a relationship with. On the other hand, apparently Sauli got a little ahead of himself and forgot who he was talking about.”

Kris just stood there, his mouth hanging open. Wow. That was just cruel. Never had he known Cassidy to be that cruel. “I-”

“I found what I was looking for,” Brad said as he entered again. You’re going to want to see what’s waiting in the car. Why don’t you go wait for us? ”

“I - ”

“Oh Kristopher. You should go. Or else prepared to be kidnapped once more. I will do it. Don’t test me.”

“I - “ Kris’ mouth closed. He really didn’t want that to happen again. What he was wearing made him look extra ridiculous. At least they didn’t try to shave his legs. But knowing them, it would have probably been waxing his legs. That seemed like a nightmare. “Fine. I’ll wait in the car.”

“Good puppy.”

**April 1st, 2016 Part two**

The first thing that Kris saw when he walked outside was Brad’s car. But it wasn’t just Brad’s car that caught his eye. It was the person in the back of Brad’s car. Tommy. It looked like he had been handcuffed to the seat. There was a blonde wig on him, and loads of makeup. But still, Kris could tell that it was Tommy behind all of it. He couldn’t see much of what he was wearing. But he could only imagine.

Kris opened the back door, staring at Tommy. “So they kidnapped you too, huh? Looks like I’m not the only one being dragged to this thing.” He said.

Tommy just stared at him, his other hand trying to free the handcuff. That wasn’t any use, Brad probably had gotten real handcuffs. “I don’t understand why he couldn’t just drag us to some club, I mean, it makes more sense.”

“Because this is Brad we’re talking about.” Kris said. “If he thinks we’re being antisocial brats, he’s going to take us somewhere where there’s over a hundred thousand people. You know him, he’s a pain in the ass.”

“What an asshole.”

“Yeah. Well, he does that best. He’s an ass. Brad is just one of those people that will do anything to piss you off.”

“Well he’s succeeded,” Tommy said. “Who freaking handcuffs someone to the freaking seat?”

“Brad,” Kris said, looking out the window. No sign of the two that were in his house. He wondered what they were doing in there. Honestly, he didn’t even want to know. “Don’t be surprised if those handcuffs were used to handcuff someone to his bedpost.”

“Ew! Get them off! Get them off!”

“Calm down, Ratliff, by the end of the night you won’t even remember. You’ll probably be using them on someone yourself.” Kris smirked.

Tommy was glaring at him. “I’m not Brad or you, I don’t sleep with everyone I lay my eyes on.”

“What -”

“Oh just be quiet, we both don’t want to be here. So why don’t we act miserable and hopefully it will ruin Brad’s night? That’s about all we can hope for.” Tommy turned his head to look out the window, his free hand no longer bothering to mess with the handcuffs.

“You think that would make him miserable?” Kris asked. Of course he didn’t stop. It figured. Kris always did that. Always needed to be the last word. “It won’t. Brad’s the kind of person that doesn’t care either way. He had his fun. Look at us. We’re in horrible wigs dressed up as woman. He had his laugh and will continue to have them.”

“If you let him.”

“Why bother with him? I’m to that point where I just don’t care anymore. He’s going to annoy the fuck out of me regardless of what I do. It’s not like he’s going to stop because that’s not Brad.”

“Why are you talking to me again? Just because we’re stuck in here doesn’t mean we’re actually supposed to fucking talk. Clearly, I don’t want to be here as much as you do.”

**April 1st, 2016 Part three**

Kris almost refused to get out of the car when they got to the concert. But Brad dug his nails into Kris’ arm and pulled him out of the back seat. At least he wasn’t the only one who looked like a total freak here. And they weren’t the only group in drag either. Of course, he and Tommy were the only two looking very angry about it.

“Why don’t you two just get rid of those scowls you have on,” Brad said. How would you do that? Sure, giving Brad exactly what he wanted was always a must. Brad always wanted everything and he was so used to getting it. Kris never figured it out. Why did no one ever defy him? He was nothing. Brad wasn’t all that intimidating. Just the idea was kind of funny to think about. Brad. Trying to scare someone. Ha.

Kris just wanted the night to end. He liked his plans for the night. Loved them in fact. He was going to just well, go to sleep. He was exhausted. But it wasn’t like he hadn’t pulled all nighters when he was completely worn out.

Tommy kept his scowl painted on as they took their seats. He would have been just fine with laying at home on the couch, drinking a few beers and then passing out. Who needed a social life anymore? Who wanted to go out? The world was full of rude and pushy people. He’d rather watch scary movies and sleep.

The only person that seemed to be enjoying himself was Brad. He’d dragged the two of them out and had Cassidy come along, who let’s face it, would do anything for Brad whether it made him happy or not. Stupid Brad for being an idiot. He didn’t do anything to return that the favor. He took advantage of Cassidy so often that Cassidy just went with it. It wasn’t like he would stick up for himself. That would mean that there was a chance that they weren’t going to be in each other’s lives again. Of course, Cassidy couldn’t risk it.

There was a deep breath just as the show started. Mother Monster herself being lifted up to the stage. Kris really didn’t like her. Nothing about her made him amazed. Except that she was totally out there. In that part, he respected her. But her music? It really wasn’t his cup of tea - or his favorite beer.

He realized as he watched that she was confident. He had wished that he was as confident as her. About midway through, he just couldn’t take any more of it. The music had become just too much for him. All of the over dramatic pop lyrics and generic sounds were just driving him insane. 

When he looked over to Brad, his eyes were on the concert going on. Then he looked to Cassidy. He was slumped back in the chair, his arms crossed. He was mad still; Kris could tell. Yeah. He would just slowly but surely make his way towards the door. Moving himself up off of the seat, he looked at Brad to make sure he didn’t feel him. As he moved through the row, he quickly moved past everyone before moving up the aisle and moving quickly out of the door. Thank god. He was out of that stupid room and could now breath. The air was cold, unlike inside. There were so many people crammed into that one space. It was hot. He had to be sweating. But the air made him feel so much better.

His hand went to pull the wig off of his head, running his hand through his hair. Soaked. As he passed a trash can he threw it in. Thank god it was gone. If only he could be so lucky with the skirt and shoes he had on. It wasn’t like he was going to walk on the venue floor barefoot. That was just gross. There was wads of gum every here and there. Just the thought made him feel disgusting.

If only he could ditch this place. But Brad was his way home. And in a way, he didn’t feel like he could leave Cassidy and Tommy there to suffer. Okay, maybe he could leave Tommy because he was being a little bitch like always, but Cassidy didn’t deserve it. He shouldn’t have to sit at a concert he didn’t want to be at just to impress Brad. Cassidy may like Lady Gaga, but he sure wasn’t enjoying himself.

“You think that you can get out of this that easy?” he heard from behind him. “You’re just going to get up and just leave?”

Kris turned to see Tommy standing behind him, arms crossed and he kind of couldn’t help but to laugh. He looked ridiculous. He really did. He had on a short dress that didn’t even come down past his knee caps. What Brad was thinking...Kris had no idea. Then of course, the wig. God. How the fuck did he get there? “I can’t leave. I’m stuck here till the fucking show is over. Fucking Brad is my ride home.”

“Not like there aren’t cabs or even busses that could take you home, right?”

“No, of course not. They’ve vanished off of the fucking earth. I’m taking a spaceship to mars to get away from you.”

“Huh. Just what I expected,” Tommy said. “You’re a fucking alien in disguise.” 

“Right, I came from a faraway planet just to annoy you.” Kris sneered.

“Seems like it. All I’ve heard about for the past few weeks is Kris this, Kris that. I can’t seem to shake you,” Tommy said. Two girls that were passing by stared at them, they giggled like, _oh look, two drag queens fighting!_

Kris wanted to die right there.

“I feel _so_ bad for you. Because for the past few weeks, I’ve been hearing all about you!”

“It couldn’t possibly be worse than hearing about you! ‘Kris is hurting too Tommy, don’t be an asshole,’” Tommy tried to give his best Brad impression, but failed. “You’re the asshole. All you do is fucking mope around the house with that fucking annoying beagle.”

“At least I didn’t try to kill myself! You’re a coward.” Kris shook his head before turning away from him. There was no way that he was going to just stand there and argue with him any longer. It was a waste of his time. He had a lot better things to do...oh, wait. He was still stuck.

The mens room came up on his left and he quickened his pace to get there. At least he could escape there. It wasn’t like anyone would come and interrupt him.

But of course, he was wrong. Tommy came up behind him, pushing him against the wall. “Don’t you fucking _dare_ use that against me! I’m sorry that I have feelings, and I couldn’t handle what happened as well as you did, but we aren’t all fucking robots.” He growled, his knee pushing in between Kris’ legs to try and keep him in place.

“I’m not a robot, I just know that things happen in life -”

“Oh bull, you’re falling apart just like the rest of us. You just don’t want to accept the help.”

“I don’t need people telling me that I’m grieving or asking me stupid questions about how I feel. I’m fine. Get over it. Adam’s fucking gone. You just have to deal with it. That’s how life is. You move on after losses you just don’t go and do things that will make everything a lot worse than they are. Now, can you fucking get the hell away from me?”

Tommy pushed harder into him, his arm moving against his shoulder a little more. “No, you prick. You’re not going anywhere because I won’t give you the luxury. That’s all you want, right? You want me to leav -”

It took all of his might to push Tommy off of him. He hated being pinned against the wall but it didn’t stop him from pinning Tommy against the one across from them. His hands moved with ease. Then he lowered himself in front of Tommy, quickly moving his head under the dress, and pushing the underwear down to Tommy’s knees. He felt Tommy’s body tighten just a bit as pleasure sprung through him.

**February 10th, 2013**

_Kris let out a little laugh as Adam gently bumped into him. They had been out all day. It was kind of uncommon that they both had off. Just getting that text from Adam, made Kris’ day a lot brighter. Weird how something so simple could do that._

_“How’s Katy? Is she doing well? It seems like forever since I’ve talked to her.”_

_“It’s been forever since you’ve talked to anyone.”_

_Adam nodded gently. “It’s been kind of crazy in my life. I guess you could say I’ve been a little busy. I’ve been recording a lot. Late nights in the studio. You know how it is.”_

_“I’m not the great Adam Lambert. You have plenty of fans just wanting to hear more stuff from you. I couldn’t even imagine having that many fans. Your fans look up to you. You’re an inspiration to them. I wish I could have that effect on people.”_

_“You do,” Adam replied. “A lot of people I attract are young girls or older women who just think I’m ‘hot’. Not exactly what I want in a fanbase. I’d rather have people who **really** like my music, like they do with yours.”_

_“Oh, they do with yours too. You inspire people.”_

_“So do you, baby. But lets not talk about work, okay? I just want to spend time with you and relax, you know, like we used to.”_

_Kris nodded. He missed the Idol house sometimes, when they had time off and the two of them would just lay around in their room and talk about nothing. Talk about their family and things they did back home. Of course, Adam’s life was always interesting, he had party stories and people he had met while working in other countries. Kris didn’t have that. He had dated Katy since high school and hadn’t worked any place interesting. Not even a coffee shop with shady characters._

_He was a simple guy with simple things. A simple life with a perfect wife and a dog. The only thing that was missing was the white picket fence. And he didn’t think that had even been in the future when they ended things. Kris didn’t really want to move into a big fancy house. He wanted to stick to his simple apartment. And Adam. Adam had a whole beautiful life ahead of him. He could do fantastic things because he accomplished everything that he wanted. All he had to do was set his eyes on it. God, Kris wished he could do like that. Have his goal right in front of him and just running towards it._

_“So, what are we going to do? We’ve been walking for a couple of hours. I swear we’ve past the same shops more than twice.”_

_“We have,” Adam laughed. “We’ve past them about five times.”_

_“So there’s nothing that you want to do?”_

_“What would I want to do? I’m hanging out with you. That’s all that I really could want. I’m happy. I haven’t seen you in ages and I just want to soak it all up.”_

_“Soak it up?”_

_“Oh yeah.”_

_Kris looked around. He loved being around Adam just as much as Adam said he loved being around him. Since they hadn’t seen each other , Kris hadn’t told Adam about what had happen with Katy. He was kind of hesitant to do that. But Adam was his friend. Probably the only friend that he really had these days. “I...I uh -”_

_“You’re soaking it up too?”_

_“Yeah. I’m soaking it up. It’s just that...It’s just that things have changed since we’ve last seen each other.”_

_Adam looked over to him, his eyebrows raised slightly. He truly didn’t think so. They were still Kris and Adam. What more could have happened to that?_

_“There is,” Kris said. “You don’t think so?”_

_“I think that things could have but...”_

_“Katy and I are getting a divorce.”_

_Adam stopped walking, turning to look at Kris. “I’m sorry you’re....”_

_“Getting a divorce.”_

_“Why?”_

_Kris hesitated. He couldn’t just say,_ well, I fucked your ex-boyfriend and think I’m gay so Katy thinks it would be a good idea if we divorced _. No, he was pretty sure Adam would hit him, and he’s seen Adam mad, it’s not a very pretty sight. “She just thinks that things aren’t working out. That we’re ‘growing apart’, so to say.”_

_“But you two are so perfect for each other.” Adam said, and he wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince Kris or himself. “This seems so....sudden. Are you sure it isn’t something else? Something you two can’t work out in time?”_

_Kris shook his head, “To be honest, I don’t think I want to. We got married too young, we only dated each other, it was like we never really got to experience other things. And I can’t expect her to wait around while I’m on tour. She should have someone who’s there for all the time.”_

_“You’re using that as an excuse?”_

_“No, of course not. I just can’t be there for her.” It was harder for him to actually tell Adam all of this. Just lying to him. Was he lying? Or was he just keeping the truth from him...weren’t they the same thing?_

_“Of course you can! Even though you’re on tour you can still be together. Just because you’re on tour doesn’t mean you have to give up on her that easily.”_

_“No,” Kris shook his head. No. There really was no use in even that. “No. I can’t. I’m not using it as an excuse. Things haven’t been that good with either of us lately. It’s not something new.”_

_“They haven’t?”_

_“Yeah. For a while. I haven’t exactly had my heart into it fully. I rather her have someone that’s just there for her, you know? Who can make her feel beautiful. To give her compliments, roses. The little things in life that we used to have. That we’ve grown out of over the years. It’s like all we were doing was living in the same house. We weren’t really...doing anything else.”_

_“I -” Adam paused and took out his cell phone. He stared at the screen for a few moments and sighed, then looked back up to Kris. “I don’t want to, but I’m going to have to cut this short, I guess there’s a leak in bathroom and Gab’s totally useless when it comes to fixing things, so he needs my help.”_

_Kris nodded. “As long as you give me a ride back to your house, my car is still there.”_

_Adam froze for a moment, and then nodded slowly. He had forgotten they drove down here in just his car to save gas. Now, Kris’ car was sitting outside his and Gab’s house. No wonder he wanted Adam home, it had nothing to do with a leaky pipe in the bathroom._

_The two rode back to Adam’s place talking about little things. The new contestants on American Idol, Adam’s upcoming tour and Kris and Katy’s dog who was staying with Kris after the divorce. She loved Lux, but she was going to be living with a friend that couldn’t have any pets._

_Never was there silence in the car. They talked until the second they parked the car, then it was silence. Kris looked at the house. It was a big house. Just what Adam had always wanted. Something nice. Something that would give him space - his own personal space. It was even nicer on the inside, though he had only had a glance before they had left earlier. Adam seemed like he was in such a hurry. “So....” Kris said, turning back to him._

_Adam was just looked straight ahead as his hands clenched the wheel. When Kris noticed, it was like he loosened his grip. “So...”_

_“This was nice. We should do it again.”_

_“Yeah. Maybe once tour ends and things calm down again. “_

_Kris nodded. It was kind of slowly but at the same time pretty hesitant. “Yeah. We should do that. I think we’ll have even more to catch up with then.”_

_“Yeah. I’m sure we will.”_

_There was more silence. It was weird how things could go from being all talk to no talk in a matter of moments._

_“I should get inside and fix that leak.” Adam said quietly, leaning over the center console to give Kris a goodbye kiss on the cheek. Kris didn’t pull away or flinch, Adam had done it a few times before when they were on tour together. Mostly when he was tipsy, and once before their first show giving him good luck. He didn’t mind, Adam was a very affectionate person._

_When Adam pulled away, he jumped. Gabriel was standing outside Kris’ window. He painted on a smile and waved to his boyfriend. It was easy to look as though nothing was wrong. He got out of his seat, and walked over to Gabriel, giving him a hug. “Hi honey,” he said. “The bathroom’s all fucked up again?”_

_“Yeah,” Gabriel said, his voice was a low growl and Kris was quite scared by it. “Did you two have a good time?”_

_“Yeah, just walked around town catching up. Nothing too exciting. Maybe you can join us next time.”_

_“I’ll plan on it.” Gabriel said, “Let’s get inside, the bathroom’s a mess and I’m useless with this stuff. You know me.”_

_“Yeah. Can’t even fix a broken chair.”_

_Gabriel eyes grew darker it seemed. Another thing that had scared Kris. Gabriel always seemed like a nice guy. Katy had always talked about him as if he had been a movie star or something. Like he was someone to be talked about. Kris? Kris never really saw it that way. Though, Adam had looked to be happy when he was him._

_Adam looked to Kris and gave the gentlest smile. “I’ll see you.” There had to have been shock playing on Kris’ face. Usually Adam would pull him into a hug and say good bye that way. It was never a ‘I’ll see you’. He took a step towards Adam but he backed away. “I’ll see you around, Kris.”_

_“Y-yeah. I’ll - I’ll see you around.”_

_He watched as he walked away, Gabriel walking behind him. He felt looked so...so...hopeless?_

_No way._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait, life has been pretty busy for the both of us. And even worse, Hurricane Sandy is dumping lots of wind and rain on Gege at the moment so she may lose power for a few days.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris wakes up at Brad's house the night after the concert.

**April 2nd, 2016**

“Owwww,” Tommy said, his hand going to his head as he was being supported by Brad. Gotta love being drunk. It had to be the best feeling in the world. It kind of made him feel...awesome. On top of the fucking world. At least his mind was still cloudy and he felt amazing. Brad’s hands were tightly on his side.

“Calm your damn horses. We’re almost to the car.”

“You’re - you’re hurting me!”

“Oh stop being a little baby. I’m not hurting you.”

Tommy started to laugh. “Babies are nice! But.... but.... but guess what!”

“You’re drunk off of your ass and so is Kris? But Kris seems to be taking it so much better than you are. Kris is a quiet drunk.”

“You didn’t guess what.”

“What, Tommy?”

“Maaaybe I shouldn’t tell you! Do you really want to know? Do you?”

“Why don’t you just tell me. Stop fucking around.”

He laughed even more before leaning over to put his mouth next to Brad’s ear. “I fucked him too! I fucked him hard and he fucked me just as hard!”

Brad dropped Tommy onto the pavement and the other man made a loud whine of protest. Tommy did what? He and Kris did _what?_ Fuck, he’s really been getting around.

“You fucker, that hurt!” Tommy said, looking up at Brad. He was spread eagle on the sidewalk. “I don’t have any underwear on! Kris has them.” Tommy sounded a little too happy about that. When he wanted the two to talk to each other, he really didn’t mean this.

Brad bent down and pulled Tommy up to his feet. At this point, he really just wanted to get to the car without anything else happening. Or finding out anything else that he _really_ didn’t want to know.

**April 2nd, 2016 part two**

Kris woke up on his back with a horrible hangover. What the fuck did he do last night and where was he? This wasn’t his room, his room didn’t have purple walls. Hopefully it was a bad dream. If he went back to sleep, he would wake up in his nice warm bed with Lux sleeping with him....

“Good morning, Kristopher!” That horrible voice rang out. Oh god, he was in Brad’s house. And then he remembered Brad and Cassidy coming to his house the night before. The skirt, the concert, and _Tommy_. Fucking Tommy. Well, shit.

The lids of his eyes closed again. His head pierced with a headache. Thinking about even opening his eyes seemed impossible. There was no way. Maybe if he ignored him he’d go away. Then the voice ran out again and he just knew that he wasn’t going away. What did he expect? It was Brad. “Hello, Kristopher.”

Kris sighed, opening up one eyelid. “What am I doing here?”

“I told you to talk to Tommy, not fuck him. That I didn’t give you permission for. Totally a bad idea.”

Who was Brad to tell him what to do? Permission? When did he need permission from Brad to do anything? His eye closed back down and he rolled over. But still he could feel Brad’s eyes on him. He could always feel his eyes. It wasn’t like he was going to actually confirm what he was saying. It wasn’t Brad’s business to know anything. “Oh shut up, Brad. I have a beating headache that - “

“That’s your own damn fault. You decided to get drunk. Both you and Tommy did. What else have you be - “

“I don’t care. Go ask him if you care all that much. I’m going to hide under the blankets. It’s nice and dark under there.” Kris pulled the blankets over his head. But it didn’t last long. They were being pulled off of him. “Seriously, what do you fucking want?”

“Besides the fact that you’re in _my_ house being a little bitch, and I would just love to throw you out right now, I would love to know what’s going through that stupid little head of yours. How could you do that to Tommy?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Kris said sarcastically, pulling himself up. His bones ached and the lights made his head spin. “I’m sorry that he’s so fucking out of shape, but for some reason, he doesn’t say no. He enjoyed it, I enjoyed it, there’s nothing wrong. Now, if you would kindly back the fuck out of my sex life.”

“Your sex life became my problem when you slept with both me and Tommy.”

Kris snorted and he regretted that as his head pounded. “Then I guess you’re going to have to being that you were in a lot of people’s sex lives. Do you even _know_ all their names?”

Brad stood there, and he looked like he was about to attack Kris. “You know, never fucking mind, it doesn’t look I’m ever going to get through to you.” He backed out of the room and slammed the door as hard as he could. If Tommy wasn’t up before, he was now.

**March 10th, 2013**

_Adam swayed back and forth on a dance floor. Eyes closed, arms hugging himself. Kris had taken Adam out and they had ended up in a bar. Kris only had that one beer. He never really did go over one beer. There was something about being drunk that he hated. Maybe it was that he didn’t feel well afterward and he hated being sick._

_Adam had a little more than that one beer. And Kris let him. He seemed a little care free when he cut loose. It was kind of funny the way Adam was when he was tipsy or even drunk. There was a memory of his from being on tour where they all decided to have fun on one of their days off. That didn’t happen often, they had back to back concerts that summer. Kris offended wondered how they made it through without collapsing on stage. The tour had been great trial run for the real thing, though._

_Adam was leaving in just a few days for his second world tour. He’d be starting in California and making his way around the world. Kris probably wouldn’t see him for another year, and no one else would either besides Gabriel and his parents. Adam would be stopping in Finland, so he’d see Sauli along the way, but that was about it as far as his friends went. Unless he ran into Allison, who was teaching music to kids in Africa. But he doubted Adam would see her._

_Kris couldn’t imagine being gone from his family that long - he hadn’t really toured the world fully and Katy flew to see him a lot. His band was also like family, sure Adam’s was too, but Tommy drinking most of the time it had to be stressful on all of them. Who’s to say he wasn’t drunk on stage as well? It wouldn’t surprise Kris if he had been. Tommy was the type that would probably be drunk most of the time when they were on stage._

_Adam was a...strange drunk. It was rare that he got drunk. But when he did he was kind of out there. Like really out of there._

_“Kris! Kris!” Adam called from the dance floor, how words slurred. His hands had motioned for Kris to come over. Anyone who knew Kris, knew that he was a horrible dancer. He had two left feet and really wasn’t coordinated. There was no way that Kris would think about going on that dance floor. He got plenty of laughs just standing there watching Adam dance alone. He was just going crazy - all over the place. Drunk Adam was nothing like the real Adam. And Kris found that to be kind of...refreshing. Real Adam was starting to act pretty weird but Drunk Adam was acting - well still weird. But there was some fun mixed into it. “Kris!”_

_Kris shook his head, a gentle smile coming to his lips. “I’m fine.”_

_Adam snaked himself over to him. His body moving like he’d always moved on stage. Seductively. It moved down and then slowly up. And geez. Kris kind of wished that he was Gabriel. He had to be the luckiest man ever to have Adam Lambert as a boyfriend._

_He took his hand and jerked slightly on his arm. “Please dance! I want to dance! Will you dance? Whooo! This is the best day ever. Kris! Kris! Guess what?!”_

_“What?” Kris had to laugh._

_“I love you! Kris, I love you!” He was laughing and hardly being able to stand. Kris stood staring at him, not knowing what to say. Adam really was going to hate himself in the morning. Not just because of the headache, but if he remembered saying these things._

_Adam’s eyes light up as he looked past Kris. When he pulled away from Kris’ grasp, he went over to the bar and leaned over it. His hands went to pull the bartender in and just like that, his lips met his and his tongue pushed it’s way into his mouth._

_“The next round is on me!” Adam said happily when he pulled away and the bartender stared at him. Kris’ mouth fell open, and he watched a large man walk over to Adam, putting his hand on Adam’s shoulder. “Hi big guy! You know, you look like my boyfriend. He’s strong,_ very _strong. Would you like to dance? He can’t find out though, he’d get really mad.”_

_The man shook his head and started to lead Adam toward the door of the bar. He had that bar’s name on the back of his shirt. Oh, he was kicking Adam out. Kris sighed, and bolted after him. He really didn’t want Adam stumbling around on the street by himself. He could just see the headlines in the morning,_ Adam Lambert found drunk on city streets days before he leaves for world wide tour! _Yeah, that would just great._

_Adam was leaning against the wall outside of the bar, laughing when Kris came outside. “I guess they didn’t want free drinks.” He said dumbly. “Well, to the next bar we go!”_

**April 2nd, 2016 Two**

Maybe what they said was true. You needed to make your escape while you could. Having all of those beers had given him such a headache. Just moving made it hurt more. Brad didn’t make it better. Going around slamming doors and just being moody. It must be that time of that month. Around noon he had moved out of bed, his head spinning in the process. After some aspirin he’d be good to get home. Fuck. He didn’t drive. That just meant unless he wanted to walk a good five or so miles, he was stuck there. At Brad’s. That wasn’t something to look forward to.

Kris pushed himself to go into the kitchen. The lights were turned on. They were quite bright, making him shield his eyes with a little moan. 

“Oh, suck it up.” He heard as he walked over to the counter. “You’re being a fucking baby.”

“Where’s the - “

“Here,” he felt a hand move something into his. They were circular. Pills. “That will help you with the headache you’re having. You’re not much of a drinker. Kind of surprised me.”

“I barely drink.”

“Which is the surprising part,” Cassidy gave a little laugh. “Just take them and things should be a little better.”

“A little?”

“Okay. They’re not going to work right away. But...”

It wasn’t like Kris hadn’t been drunk before. There was high school. He used to sneak them into his room and he and Katy would have a little party of their own. It made them extra giddy. And he hated to say it, but that was how he and Katy had their first time. When they were drunk and acting stupid, not after they got married, how they had promised. “But...”

“But they will work. You’ll be okay.”

Brad laughed. “Sure. He’ll be alright. Fucking Tommy is alright. Just like he’s alright about Adam dying. He’ll be alright.”

Kris had the pills up to his mouth and growled. He fist clenched, and he stared straight at Brad. “Can’t you leave that alone?”

“Oh yeah sure, I’ll leave it alone.” Brad rolled his eyes, “Maybe if you would stop acting so _stupid_. I mean, we’ve all fucked in a public bathroom. Me probably more than anyone in this room, but at a concert? With all that security? You could have been arrested!”

“Right, like you totally care.” Kris said and Cassidy handed him a glass of water quietly. “Thank you.”

“About you? No, not really. But they would have arrested both of you. And then Cass and I would have had to bail you out. Think about it, the press would have a fucking field day with that. The American Idol in jail for messing around with Adam Lambert’s guitarist. Might as well admit you were in love with Adam.”

Kris glared and Cassidy looked very uncomfortable. He didn’t mean to say it, but he just sort of blurted it out, “I can’t believe you’re in love with someone like him, Cassidy.” 

Cassidy’s jaw dropped and Kris knew just then he had said something wrong. But before he could even say something they heard a yawn. When they looked they saw Tommy stretching his arms up, his hair going in all different directions. “Uh...What?” he asked.

After a moment, Brad stood up from the table. The chair made a little screeching noise when it was pushed back. He made his way over to Tommy and it made both Kris and Cassidy pay attention to what he was doing. When he got closer, he stopped. Right in front of Tommy. A small smile came to his lips as he let his arm tangle around the taller man’s neck. Then just like that, his lips were crashing against Tommy’s. 

Their eyes were glued. What the fuck. The kiss wasn’t just one of those simple pecks on the lips it was more like a really gross sucking of face. Ew. For some weird, crazy reason, neither of them looked away. Brad pushed closer in, his arms moving tighter and Kris swore that he could see Brad’s tongue slip into Tommy’s mouth and just like that Brad went flying back.

Tommy’s hand went to his mouth. Sure, he’s did plenty of french kissing in his lifetime but never had he wanted Brad’s tongue in his mouth. Nor had he ever thought about kissing the man in general. “Whatever the fuck went on here before I came out, keep me the fuck out of it. I want nothing to do with whatever it is.”

Kris let out a little laugh as he turned to Cassidy. This could kind of be fun. If Brad thought that he could just do whatever the fuck he wanted, then why not test out the theory that everyone knew was true. And of course, two could play his stupid game. He turned around to face Cassidy. His hand went to his shirt and he pulled him down to him, meeting his lips.

Cassidy grabbed Kris by the front of his shirt and pushed him away. He looked...hurt. And suddenly Kris didn’t think this was very fun anymore. Cassidy walked out of the kitchen and Kris followed behind him.

“Leave me alone,” He said, heading for the door.

“Cass, I’m sorr -”

“No, you aren’t.” Cassidy turned around, staring at Kris. “Look, I’m sorry that the love of your life passed away. If you haven’t noticed, we all fucking miss him as much as you do. But just because you couldn’t spend your life with him doesn’t mean you have to ruin mine.”

“Cassidy -”

“Don’t. Really, don’t.” He said, turning to finally leave the house. Well, that could have gone a lot better.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam sets out for his second tour, and it's not going so well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pure flashback chapter, on screen self-injury, drug use, and non-con occur.

**March 30th, 2013**

_The first week of tour always is the hardest. But he had been kind of excited about it. After being away from home, he kind of felt like he wanted to be back there. But he knew that it was better to be where he was. There were so much things on tour that were fun. He remembered the last one like it was yesterday. And boy, was it fun. The fans were screaming for him, chanting for him to continue his show. Wanting him to just sing his heart out. That was fun. His fans were why he did everything. They just made his day sometimes._

_Getting used to being on tour was weird. Getting back into the swing of things, sharing a tour bus with other people; close quarters to his bandmates. A bus full of testosterone and pranks. The pranks had to be some of the best. And this tour, they were probably going to be better than ever. Tommy would come up with something to get him and then he’d probably think for the longest time of something that he’d have to do to get him back. Of course, Tommy being the Master Pranker. Adam wouldn’t do anything better than him._

_After shows he would always find himself going back to the bus. The others would always just stay in the venue and have a few drinks together; a small little after party. Adam found himself not much of a joiner this tour. Most of the nights he would just go lay down in the bus and feel completely lonely and disconnected to the world. The mind had to be the worst organ in the human body. Never stopping. Always running at all times. It got him thinking about those things that he just didn’t want to think about. The stuff that had him disconnected in the first place._

_Touring was nice, but it was lonely. He missed his family, his mom and dad and even his brother. Neil had come along with him last tour, but this time he couldn’t. He missed Alisan and Danielle, Brad and Cassidy, Kris and Sauli. Sure, he had Tommy, Isaac, and Ashley, but it really wasn’t the same._

_Sleeping in a bed on a bus wasn’t the same as sleeping in his own bed back home. But to be honest, it hadn’t been _his_ bed in a long time. It had been his and Gabriel’s, and it wasn’t comfortable anymore. Not with the way Gabriel treated him. He loved Gab, he really did, but he was starting to think Gab didn’t love him back. At least, not in the same way._

_Adam leaned his head forward on the bed, shutting his eyes tightly. He shouldn’t be thinking about this. He was supposed to be _happy_._

_But he wasn’t. He wanted the thoughts to stop, he wanted to calm down and sleep. But his brain kept talking. His legs were a bit wobbly as he pushed his way up. And even more so, when he walked over to his bag. It hadn’t been unpacked. He didn’t really bother to do that. Found it pointless. Living out of his suitcase was part of the fun._

_He started to rummage around, trying to what he wanted. It was probably under everything. Hidden away so no one could find it. That was something he did. Hide it from view, even though it was an everyday object. There was a part of him that felt stupid for doing it. But he didn’t use it for the everyday use._

_When he came up he had a small pouch in his hand. He took a deep breath. It’s been awhile since he’s done it. Since he used one of the contents in the pouch. Last time kind of scared him a little bit. Having to go to the hospital...having to call for help. He never wanted to do that again. But it seemed like the only thing to get his mind to calm down a little bit...to make him feel._

_He exhaled, opening it up. His eyes instantly scanned over each and every object he had in it. Slowly passing each one, even giving second glances at them. As he brought his hand up, it began to shake just a little bit as he brought one into his hand. A box cutter that had a piece of black plastic that you move to make the blade come up with._

_It wasn’t his favorite, it didn’t do much damage, but Adam wasn’t really looking for that. He was looking to calm down. He was craving the_ numb _part of this, not really needing to see blood, not needing to be in too much pain. But it still scared him just a tiny bit. What if he screwed up and needed stitches again? He couldn’t just call Kris up like he did last time, he would have to find his manger, and they would have to find a hospital._

_He pushed those thoughts away and pulled up his left sleeve. A bright white scar stared back at him, but Adam ignored it and put the box cutter to his skin, slowly pulling it across. There was hardly any pain, and just a small amount of blood pushed it’s way through the cut._

_Adam slumped against the wall of the bus, pushing the blade against his skin again, and sighing in relief. He felt sort of sick when he did this. What kind of person opened their own skin to make themselves feel better? And what kind of person enjoyed it this much? There had to be something wrong with him._

_He discarded the blade back in the pouch, looking for some band-aids. He may_ enjoy _it, but he didn’t want to have to see this later._

_Adam carefully cleaned the cuts with some tissue paper, then covered the cuts. Now he was going to have to wear long sleeves on stage. It wasn’t that he didn’t already, if the long white scar was seen the media would have a field day. He really didn’t want to be known as the ‘gay pop star who lost it’. Yeah, he could see that in papers already. It would be next to the whole Britney Spears meltdown of the year. Just what he needed._

_The tour would be good. He needed to make it better than what it was...if it was even possible. But somehow deep inside, he knew that it wouldn’t be better._

_He just knew._

**April 30th, 2013**

_Adam sat in back room of some venue staring at the wall. It was vibrating. It had been a long time since he’d done this. He missed this feeling. The spacey-light headed feeling. He probably should have waited until he had a non-concert night, but the man who gave him the stuff said it was ‘the best shit you’ll ever come across’. He was curious, and popped the blotter in his mouth once he entered the dressing room._

_But now, it was almost time to go on stage and Adam was regretting it. The sounds coming from the stage where overly loud, his hands felt funny, and that fucking wall was still moving. Maybe he should get out of here, go find Tommy and Isaac. If they found out what he was up to, they’d be so pissed._

_Adam stood off the couch, walking slowly across the room. Was he walking slow or was the door getting farther away? He laughed, because whatever, he’d get there eventually._

_The door swung open and in came Tommy. He_ reeked _. Adam stopped and looked at him with wide eyes. He looked funny. “Can I help you?” He said quickly._

_“Quit fucking around man, we’re on!” Tommy grabbed his shoulder and pulled him out into the hallway. He could hear the crowd screaming his name and it sounded like....holding onto a rough blanket. God, he couldn’t imagine what it was going to be like when he was on stage. Probably like being stabbed with fork. And with the added music? Yeah, more like being stabbed with a knife. A sharp one._

_Each step they took was like that knife being pushed into him. Farther and farther it went. Deeper and deeper. The walls seemed to pass them and he felt like they flew past him. Everything seemed farther away but at the same time, they came him. A nausea feeling came to his stomach. A show. He was supposed to be doing a concert. Right. That couldn’t..._

_It got louder. It sounded more like an helicopter that was just landing on an airstrip. So close that it sent shivers down his spine. “S-Slow d-down,” Adam said. It came out louder then he thought it did. He was shouting._

_Tommy turned to him. “Slow down?”_

_“You’re running! Down the hall!”_

_Tommy stared at him and Adam swore he saw his face get a little more rectangular. His nose became a triangle. Adam was sent into laughter. “What’s so funny?”_

_Adam didn’t say anything, just kept laughing. This trip wasn’t that bad. He kind of missed it, he had to admit. He used to have fun. There was so much he missed about those days.They seemed a little more carefree and honestly, Adam loved that. Loved that he could do anything that he wanted. No strings. Now, he was a puppet. “Nothing!”_

_“Adam, we’re about to go on.”_

_“You’ve said that already.”_

_Tommy nodded. “Are you okay to -”_

_Adam pulled away, his balance off just a little as he started to walk the rest of the way. Concerts are supposed to be fun. He had his fun before the show. So, it would just make the concert a lot better for the audience. It would make him perform better._

_It felt more like being shot then being stabbed. But he held up. He could make it through the concert and it was going to be okay. Everything would. Another laugh came from his mouth. Everything was moving._

_Adam walked over to the mic stand and took hold of it. The music in the background got a little louder. This was where he was supposed to sing. He opened his mouth and nothing came out. He felt stuck. The stage was vibrating under his feet, the fans were screaming his name, and everything would be perfect. It was perfect, but he just stood there with his hand wrapped around the mic stand and staring at the crowd._

_Tommy was suddenly behind him, and hand on his shoulder and Adam noticed the music had stopped. Tommy flipped the switch on the mic so it was off and he turned to Adam. He had a very serious look on his face. “What the fuck did you take?” He said quietly._

_“Nothing, nothing.” Adam shook his head quickly._

_“If you’re fine, then get with the program. This really isn’t cool.” Adam had never heard Tommy speak to him like that before. Usually, he was very nice and gentle. And he wasn’t one to talk, Tommy was always drinking before he went on stage._

_Tommy took a step back, and they started again. This time Adam got it right. He apologized to the crowd for the false start, making up some excuse about how the audience was so beautiful he just had to look at them for a moment. Of course, they bought it._

_He was fine. He made it halfway through the show without anything happening. He still felt as though knifes were being thrown at him, but he could rough it. If he could trip in the middle of the desert he could do it in front of an audience._

_That was until he got to_ Underneath _. He stayed in the middle of the stage, staring out into the crowd when he saw it: a young girl in the front row who was smiling shyly while she held a small white candle in her hands. He dropped the mic onto the stage, and fell to his knees yelling, “Stop it, stop it! It hurts!” The music came to a stop and Tommy was at his side, trying to speak to him, but Adam couldn’t hear him._

 _“Get it off me,_ please _.” Adam begged, his hands going up to reach for something on his chest. He pulled at his shirt and then his hands came back down to the stage as though he had been burned._

_Tommy called for help off stage, and he’d never heard the crowd so quiet before. They stared at Adam on the stage and Tommy just wanted to get him off as quickly as possible. A security guard walked out, helping Adam to his feet and off stage. Adam was lying, he was tripping on something and he was tripping **bad**._

__Gabriel pulled Adam into a kiss. It was a nice sultry one that went nice and slow and for a moment Adam did kiss back. He loved Gabriel. He wanted to get back to where they were when they met. They had hot sex that made him sweat bullets, making his breath catch in his throat. That made him lose his breath. But after a long day of work...After a long day of work, he didn’t want to do it. The tiredness coated his eyes even when he was lying on their bed. All he had to do is close his eyes and be there. his eyes were like weights when they got like that. So heavy that it was hard to even lift them. Who knew being in the studio trying out new beats and just messing around with lyrics could be tiring. Every single time that he did it, he’d come home and just want to collapse.

He could feel his shirt being tangled with. There was nothing sultry about it. It was rough. A tug. When he looked down the buttons of his shirt were ripped. His eyes just stared. That had been his favorite button down. He didn’t have many and in all honesty, he only had it because Kris gave it to him. Kirs had told him that he’d look pretty good in it. The compliments he got while wearing it were nice so he just had to wear it more often. It gave him more confidence. Of course, maybe a part of him just did it for Kris, but he kind of liked the shirt. It made him look semi - professional. Wearing it with a pair of jeans...

It was pushed off of him. He could tell Gabriel never liked the shirt. Hated it even. Something told him that if he knew who gave it to him, he’d hate it even more...and there was more things in the room that Kris had given to him. Those were the things that would pass as family things. That was exactly what he said when Gabriel picked something up. “Oh, Uh - I got that from one of my family.” In reality, he considered Kris family. So, it wasn’t like he was lying. Hopefully, Gabriel didn’t sense the fear in his voice. The fear that he might say throw it away or even get rid of it himself. 

He loved everything that Kris gave him - everything that his friends have given him. There was something that he cherished about everything given to him. It was a reminder. A reminder that he wasn’t alone. He had friends that loved him. There was a time where the only person he had in his life was Brad. Brad showed him a lot, he had to admit. He showed him that there was things better out there. Opened his eyes to greatness. And he knew that he could be great. 

Great.

How did he find himself underneath Gabriel? Or even naked underneath him? He wanted to sleep. That’s all he felt like doing. __

_“No!” Adam screamed. “Get off of me! Get off of me!”_

_“Adam, Adam you need to calm down.”_

__“Adam you need to calm down,” Gabriel said as Adam moved underneath him. Against his say, he had been turned on his stomach. He could just feel Gabriel’s...

“I don’t want -”

Just like that, Gabriel started to move into him, his hands pushing into his sides.

“No,” Adam said. “No. St-stop.” __

_“Stop!”_

_“Adam!”_

__“Oh you’re such a bad boy. I’m going to give you exactly what you deserve. Remember that gift you said you got from your mother. The nice guitar. You don’t...” Gabriel sped his pace. “You don’t play the guitar. And neither does your mother. Or anyone in your family. So why would they give you one?”

“I’m...I’m st - st-starting to l-learn.”

Instead of stopping he kept going. He kept moving and it got faster. And faster. It hurt so much. Especially the more he tried to get away. Gabriel went harder each time. Adam dug his hands into the blanket, clenching them in his fists. 

When he stopped, Adam went limp on the bed. Useless. Completely useless. He thought that Gabriel was done. That he would tell Adam to go take a shower or tell him to get sleep...he did neither.

**May 14th, 2013**

_Sauli had been called in for a shoot a week ago. It was great timing really, he was already flying in to see a friend that week. But he also remembered Adam had a show that week. He snagged some tickets from a scalper that were way overpriced, but it wasn’t like he didn’t have the money and he was pretty sure he could find a fan to confidence the guards to let him backstage to see Adam. But he wanted to see the show too._

_Before the opening act started, a guard came into the crowd to bring him backstage. Tommy had looked out from behind the curtain and had seen Sauli standing there. It was nice to see them again, but Adam was nowhere to be seen. ‘He’s putting on his face’ Isaac joked._

_“You can go see him if you want,” Tommy said absently. He was on one of the couches tuning his guitar. “I’m sure he’d be really happy to see you. In fact, I think it would be good if he saw you.”_

_“What do you mean?” Sauli asked._

_“You didn’t hear about what happened two weeks ago?” Ashley joined in._

_Sauli shook his head._

_“He freaked out on stage. We were in the middle of a song and he just started yelling at no one. We had to stop the whole concert and have him be taken off stage.”_

_Sauli was confused. He hadn’t really watched TV or been on the internet lately, he’d been so busy with work, but he thought if something had happened that someone would have contacted him. But then he remembered that Adam wasn’t his boyfriend anymore, they hadn’t been together for almost a year and no one probably even thought of telling him. They probably contacted Gabriel. But if Adam did really have a freak out on stage, where was Gabriel to support him?_

_He started down the hallway and looked for Adam’s dressing room. He peaked in rooms and it took him a few minutes, but he finally found Adam’s room - which was empty. He stepped farther in and looked around the room. It was clean, not like normal where he had clothes all over the floor. It didn’t even seem as though Adam had started getting ready._

_“Adam?” He called. There wasn’t an answer._

_Something caught the corner of his eye. The door to the bathroom was ajar, a light shining through the crack. He slowly walked toward the door, afraid of what he might. “Adam?” He called out again, pushing the door open._

_Sauli gasped. Adam was sitting on the floor with his head again the wall. His right pant leg was rolled up to his knee, and his leg was covered in blood. At first, Sauli didn’t understand. What could have happened? Did he fall? But then his eyes caught the razor blade next to him. Adam had done this._

_Sauli fell to his knees in front of Adam, searching the bathroom for a towel. He found a white towel under the sink, along with a first aid kit. Sauli pressed the towel to Adam’s leg and he didn’t have a reaction. What the hell was going on with him? Was he cracking under pressure?_

_“You’re so pretty, Sauli.” Adam said suddenly._

_Sauli pulled the towel back. “Why did you do this, huh, hunaja?”_

_Adam didn’t say anything and Sauli sighed. He opened the first aid kit, taking out the alcohol wipes, bandages, and gauze. None of the wounds look deep enough to need stitches, but they were going to be cleaned and held together. “This is probably going to hurt.” He said, taking out one of the wipes, and starting to clean Adam’s skin. Adam didn’t move, he just stared at Sauli’s hands._

_Once most of the blood was cleaned from his skin, Sauli bandaged some of the more worse wounds and unraveled the gauze. He started wrapping it around Adam’s leg. How was he going to dance around stage with pain in his leg? He probably wasn’t, Adam was in no shape to perform._

_He pinned the gauze together. “May I see something?” He asked, but Sauli knew he was just talking to himself. He took a hold Adam’s arm, rolling up both of his sleeves. The scars ran over his tattoos, some raised, some sunken, some were white, others were dark red or purple. It broke his heart knowing Adam thought he had to do this to feel better. Thinking he couldn’t talk to anyone when he was feeling down. And now, it was taking over his life._

_“Why have you not talked to anyone about this?”_

_“I just - I couldn’t...” Adam babbled softly, his fingers running along the gauze. “I **can’t.** ”_

_Sauli shook his head. “Yes, you can. Talk to me.” Adam closed his eyes, and his head fell onto his knee. Sauli leaned forward, gathering Adam in his arms. He wasn’t crying, he wasn’t making any noise at all, but he collapsed into Sauli’s chest and his fingers gripping Sauli’s thigh._


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being away for almost five years, Allison returns home.

**April 30th, 2016**

The ring of the doorbell was what sent Kris springing up off of the couch. Of course, Lux then started to bark. Every time the freaking door bell rang or she heard something. Kris thought about letting her live with Katy again, but maybe he needed her just as much as she needed him.

Falling asleep on the couch was probably not the best idea. Kinks in your neck that didn’t allow you to look up were the worst feeling. But that wasn’t saying that he didn’t have a comfortable couch. That was what got him to sleep in the first place. Turning the television on and kicking off his shows and watching CNN. He didn’t even make it past the first commercial before he dozed off. He felt exhausted and he really hadn’t done anything all day. Just sitting around made him tired. How could that happen? The answer, he didn’t really known. It just simply happened.

A yawn came from his mouth as his hand moved through his hair. Even with an hour or so nap, he still felt tired.

When he got to the door, Lux was sitting there clawing at it. He should invent something that helps a dog talk and answers doors. He’d make millions.

He reached up and slowly opened the door. The first thing that hit his eyes was the color black. Then a little laugh as arms outstretched and pulled him in for a hug. “Dude, I missed you so much.” Allison Iraheta. Just like that, he was pushed back a little so she could move into the house. “Katy? Adam? Where are you guys? You better get your butts in here!”

Kris said as he closed the door and stared at her, his mouth hanging open before it closed. He couldn’t believe that the girl was standing before him. “What are doing?”

“I know you’re here! You have to be here, dudes. I go away to SA for a few years and you’re not happy to see me when I come back?” When there was no answer, she turned around to face Kris. “What’s up, man?”

For the last few years she had been in South Africa. Something about teaching kids education with music. Kris didn’t really understand it. When she had told them, Katy, Adam, and Kris, they all thought it was a great opportunity. Not only was it soaking up another culture but it was teaching children important lessons while using songs. No one lost in that situation. Kris didn’t think it would be for five years. She must have really liked it. More power to her for finding something she liked to do. It was uncommon among many. Even he was kind of iffy about what his passions were nowadays. 

“Oh c’mon,” She said, “You aren’t like, mad at me because I couldn’t call you right? I couldn’t really call anyone besides my parents. And I wrote letters. They came back to me most of the time.”

Kris sighed. She really had been disconnected from the world. She didn’t know _anything_ that had happened in the past few years. How could her parents not of told her? They probably didn’t want to upset her. But it seemed so unfair. She was going to come home to the states and would read all about what went on and have a break down.

“Kris, what’s going on?”

“We need to talk, Alli.” He said softly.

“Okay.”

The two of them walked into his living room. Allison sat down on the couch, looking around the room. Katy’s stuff was gone. The pictures of them were still up, but her favorite blanket wasn’t across the back of the chair, some of her favorite nicknacks were gone from the shelves. “Did you redecorate?”

Kris shook his head. “Katy and I...we got a divorce a few years ago. It wasn’t too long after you left that things didn’t work out between us.”

“That’s crazy.” Allison said. “You two were perfect. To be honest, I thought you would have a baby by now. At least now you and Adam can get together,” she joked.

Kris looked away from her. Adam and him together? It was never going to happen. Not with Gabriel constantly having his attention. “Have you seen anyone else besides me?”

“Nope. You, bro are my first stop. Though, the first thing that I did when I got my phone was text Tommy. But it wouldn’t be a surprise if he changed his number. It’s been awhile.”

“Yeah. You’ve missed a lot.”

“Oh have I? Tell me. Have you finally realized that that love of your life was standing in front of you the whole time? Has he finally stopped puppying around waiting for you and finally told you that he liked you? Or did you do that part? “

“You missed a lot,” he repeated.

Allison laughed. “I’m trying to get you to fill me in here. Fill me in! Fill me in! ”

Kris looked down. It had to be the hardest thing he’d have to do. Allison was close to Adam. If anything, treated him exactly like she would her brother. She would take it hard. He knew that.

“Let me guess. You and Adam are getting married or something awesome like that. I must have came back at the right time. That’s excited. I knew Adam had it in him. But you...You, I was kind of spectacle of. Adam always wanted to tell you how he felt. I’m glad that he finally did.”

Kris looked up. “There’s a lot that you’ve missed. Not just between me and Katy.”

“Brad,” she nodded. “I know he’s a drama queen sometimes. Has he finally stopped making Cassidy chase him around? Or is he back with Adam? That there is a mistake waiting to happen. Brad is cool and all, but Adam can do better. Exes are exes. Friends are friends.”

“Brad is still as stupid as when you left him.”

“Then if it’s not Brad, it’s Neil. Or is it Tommy?”

“No. It’s Adam.”

“I knew it. Kris Allen and Adam Lambert are finally being sinful together.”

“Can you just shut up for a moment. I need to get this out. Just shut up. Afterward you’re not going to want to talk that much, believe me.”

Allison went quiet. Her smile, fading. “Geez.”

“Adam...A few months ago...A few months ago something happened. You wouldn’t have heard about it. And I’m kind of not surprised that your mother didn’t tell you about it. A few months ago...A few months ago...A few months...”

“Go on...”

“Adam died.”

Allison’s mouth fell open, and she stood up off the couch. “No, you’re lying. You have to be lying.”

“I wish I was -”

“No!” She screamed. “He was _fine_. There was nothing wrong with Adam. He couldn’t have just....died. Kris, this isn’t funny! This isn’t fucking funny at all!”

“Alli, it was an accident. No one knows how it happened.”

“Someone has to know! Who found him? Was it Brad? Tommy?”

“Gabriel.” Kris said.

“Who the fuck is Gabriel and what was he doing with Adam?!” Her eyes were filling with tears and she looked close to sobbing. Kris wasn’t ready for this, he didn’t want to deal with this again. “Was he just fucking around with this guy? Did Adam just take him home -”

“Did you really think that of him?” Kris asked.

“He’d do stupid shit when he was drinking sometimes.” Kris then remembered that Allison had gone on tour with Adam the first time, and she must have gone out partying with him. “He was so fucking love sick over you. He would try to get over it by fucking other guys. It never worked, obviously.”

“Gabriel was his partner, Allison. They were together for about three years.”

Allison’s jaw dropped. “P-Partner for three years?”

“Yes. They were together for the last three years. Adam was living with him.”

“L-Living with him?”

“Yes.”

Allison shook her head. It couldn’t be real. None of it could be real. Adam was probably hiding away just wanting to pop out saying ‘gotcha.’ Kris was a great actor. So fucking good it was unbelieveable. “Where is he? Is he hiding in your room?”

“Alli.”

“Adam can’t be fucking dead, Kris! No fucking way!”

“I’m sorry. But...”

“NO! NO. Just...Just no.” Allison’s eyes welled with tears and her whole body began to shake. Adam couldn’t be dead. Just no way. Her legs caved out and she fell to the ground. “Adam’s dead? And...And I didn’t ev-”

Kris moved over to her. “I know you were close to him. He wouldn’t want you to just sit around crying about his death. He would want you to be out in the world running around like you have been doing.”

Allison looked up, her eyes filled with tears and anger. “Oh, fuck off Kris. You just told me he’s gone. I hadn’t seen him in years and I’m....never going to again!” One of her hand pulled on her hair, the other was fiercely wiping away her tears. “Just give me some fucking _time_ okay? Give me some time to let it sink in.”

**April 30th, 2016 Part Two**

Kris wasn’t sure how they ended up at the door of Tommy’s apartment. Allison wanted to see someone else besides him, so he thought Tommy was the best idea. Brad would just make smart remarks the whole time, Cassidy would glare at him, Katy would probably cry again, and even though Allison wanted to meet Gabriel, Kris refused.

He knocked on the door a few times and Sauli answered. Great, just what he needed. The Finn didn’t say anything, he just turned and let Kris in, Allison trailing behind him. Inside the living room Cassidy stood with Brad, and Tommy was curled on the couch who seemed pretty dead to the world.

“Oh, look who it is, the little heartbreaker.” Brad said, cocking his head to the side. Allison had stepped out from behind Kris, and Brad gasped. “Allison.”

Allison gave a small nod to him as she crossed her arms. “Hey.” 

“Long time no see.”

“Tell me about it.”

Brad went over to her and pulled her into a hug. “It’s nice to see you.”

Another nod. “Yeah. Nice.” Allison looked over at everyone in the room. They seemed to all be staring at her. All expect Tommy. Still he hadn’t moved. Was he dead also? Her glance went back to Brad. “Is it true?”

“Is what true?” Brad asked.

“Is it true that you’re a fucking asshole. Is it true that Adam is dead you fucking jerk?”

Brad’s smile was whipped off of his face. None of his features were playful any longer. Serious. “I...”

“She’s been in Africa for a while,” Kris reminded him. “Meaning she just found out what happened.”

“Uh...”

“Yes,” Cassidy said.

“That’s great. Just great.”

“Swee -”

“That’s just fucking great. So fucking fantastic.” She shook her head. The tears didn’t fight there way to the surface and she somewhat seemed a little calmer. “Adam’s dead.”

Brad shrugged. “It happened a while ago. Everyone’s just kind of moved on from it.”

“Moved on?” She said, her head shaking. “Yeah, it fucking looks like it. I mean, look at Tommy, he’s in great shape.”

“He’s...” Cassidy looked over at Tommy, who wasn’t even reacting to his name. He was staring at something in the corner, his eyes distant and glazed over. “He’s been like this for a while, honey. We don’t...”

Allison back away from Brad, trying to get as far away from any contact as possible. “What the hell happened after I left, huh? Did you all just fall apart?”

“Alli...” Kris started.

“No! Just don’t, please. Someone just take me home. I...need my parents.” Allison felt like a child, but she wanted her mother. She wanted her mother to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. Not like these guys, who were suppose to be Adam’s best friends and saying they were _over it_. They were not over it, they were just pulling up walls to make everything seem better. Fuck the bullshit. She just couldn’t put up with any of it.

Adam Lambert died. How could they be fucking cool about that? 

Cassidy stepped forward. “C’mon, I’ll take you. Brad, let’s go.”

“But -”

“ _Now_ , Brad!”

**April 30th, 2016 Part Three**

Tommy didn’t move. He just stayed on the couch, trying to curl farther into himself. Kris tried not to be worried, but this wasn’t normal. Sure, usually he was would be drinking and ignoring everybody. But even that kind of seemed better than being almost comatose.

Somehow he found himself making his way to the kitchen. He couldn’t just leave. Who knew what he would do than. There was many possible things that ran through Kris’ head. There was nothing to chance in any of them.

Messing around in the cabinets, he found a box of Lipton tea. Completely full and wrapped. A little laugh came from his head as he shook his head. Something Tommy would do. Buy something for some kind of reason but never open it. Even Kris had his share of times where he would do it. There had to be at least three bags of coffee waiting to be brewed.

He walked over to the counter and placed the box on the counter before peeling the plastic wrapping off of it. There was a coffee maker. Probably the only appliance that seemed somewhat new. A Keurig. How he came to have one of them, he had no idea. Kris had been wanting to get one for what seemed like a long time, but never really had the time for it. It had always seemed pretty neat to him. Just lifting the handle to look inside was kind of cool. There was a little cone where you would put the K-Cup. He fidgeted for a few moments before he came out with it in his hand. Neat. After getting a cup and filling the compartment on the side with water, he pressed the button in the middle which had glowed blue.

Two tea bags should be a enough, right? He wasn’t a big tea drinker. Katy had always been. She would put so much sugar in it. Equal to a freaking pixie stick. That was just too much. If he were to drink it he’d probably just drink it plan. Maybe with a bit of lemon. He doubted that Tommy had it. There didn’t look like there was much in his cabinets. A gut feeling told him that he hadn’t shopped in sometime. Which kind of figured. Take out was probably his best friend. Take out and beer.

When the dripping stopped, he pulled the cup onto the counter. Getting two tea bags, he laced them together before dipping them into the cup. Just a few moments then he pulled them out and quickly went to the trashcan to throw them in. Then getting the cup he made his way back into the living room. “Tea should do you go-” He looked around but Tommy was no longer on the couch. “Tommy?”

Nothing. “Tommy. Where’d you go?” 

He signed, walking down the hallway and as he went he looked through each of the room. Nothing. Coming to the end of the hallway he stopped. The door was cracked open and he could hear the slightest of noise.

“Tommy?” Pushing the door open, he walked in. Nothing. The room was silent. His eyes roamed around the room before his eyes paused at his bed. Usually the blankets would be laying on the bed messily. But now, the bed had been made and looked like it hadn’t been touched in days. “Tommy?”

Nothing for a few moments and then he heard something. “Go ‘way, please.” The voice was small and hardly recognizable. But he knew it was Tommy’s. “You aren’t here. You aren’t _real_.”

Kris placed the cup down on the nightstand before he got down on his knees. Under the bed, Tommy laid on his side with his eyes closed. One of his hands was over his ear, and the other glued to his chest, just resting there. There was something that Kris noticed, his whole body was shaking. “Leave me alone, please.”

“Tommy, what are you doing?”

“You are not real. You are not real. You are not real. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. You can’t be real.”

“I am,” Kris said, reaching out just a little bit and touched his hand.

Tommy jolted back. “You are not real!”

“Come on. Tommy open your eyes. Come on. You can open them. There’s no one else around. Just me. Come on.”

“Leave me alone. Go away. Please. Please. Please. Just go away.” Tears began to roll down his cheek. “Please.”

“Shhh. It’s alright .You can open your eyes.” Kris moved his hand up and through Tommy’s hair. Pushing it back as he tried to soothe him. Never had he really seen Tommy _this_ upset. Honestly, it seemed kind of weird. He was kind of that tough guy. At least that was how Kris kind of saw him. The one that overused the word _Fuck_ and didn’t give a shit.

Tommy slowly opened his eyes. “K-Kris?”

“Yeah. Everything okay?”

“I...”

Kris just nodded. “Why don’t you come out from under here. When’s the last time you’ve slept?”

“I...It’s been a couple of days.”

“Okay. It’s okay to come out. You’ll be okay. The boogie man isn’t going to jump out and take you captive. You’re safe.”

Tommy crawled slowly over to Kris. He hadn’t been expecting it, but when Tommy sat up, he flung himself into Kris’ arms. Kris was taken aback, but he held Tommy close. “I’m taking you back home with me, and you’re not going to fight me about it.”

Kris stood them up slowly with Tommy leaning on him for support. He didn’t really think Tommy would need anything, and he could borrow some clothes if he needed to.

**May 1st, 2016**

It was a god awful hour when Kris reached for him phone. He hadn’t been asleep long, maybe an hour. After getting home, it took a half hour to get Tommy into the guest room and another half hour to get ready himself.

The screen on his cell phone was lit, and Katy’s name was across it. He sighed, they hadn’t really talked since everything happened with Adam. Kris knew it was mostly his fault, he was ignoring everyone, he just was forced into doing things with Brad, Cassidy, and Tommy. More like, Brad dragged them all around.

When he opened his phone, he blinked a couple times to get used to the light. He warmed up to it as he pressed to unlock the screen. The text came up after he pressed view.

**Katy: Hey, are you up?**

Kris pressed reply and it brought up a blank message. Maybe it was time to start talking to her again. He had gone a few months of not talking to her when they were getting their divorce. Even that was hard. It felt like he was anxious every single day. The worst part, he didn’t know why.

**Kris: Hey (:**

It didn’t take long before there was another text.

**Katy: Can’t sleep. You?  
Kris: Same. Long night.  
Katy: :/ Tell me about it. Uh...Can I tell you something?  
Kris: Sure. You know you can.  
Katy: This isn’t something that I can see you taking well. It’s kind of big. But I hope that you take it well because you’re reaction is something I’ve replayed over inside of my head.  
Kris: Tell me.  
Katy: Well, for sometime now Daniel and I...Daniel and I have been seeing each other. **

He stared at the text. What? Another popped up.

**Katy: And it’s gotten pretty nice. We’ve told your parents just a couple of weeks ago. And since I moved back, things have progressed. A lot. We didn’t want to wait.**

What?

**Katy: We’ve talked about this before. And things have been pretty chaotic the last few months. I regret not telling you sooner. He asked me to marry him. And I told him yes.**

Katy was....dating...no, engaged to Daniel? His brother Daniel. He was all for Katy meeting someone else and getting married again, but his own brother? What was this, a soap opera?

**Kris: I’m happy for you, the both of you.  
Katy: Really? I understand if you aren’t, it’s something different and a little close to home.  
Kris: It’s fine, Katy, really.**

Kris’ mind wondered. Why did Katy have to drop this bomb on him now? He hadn’t been sleeping, he had Tommy in his guest room who was having some sort of weird break down. Then again, she could have waited until the week before to say anything.

**Katy: Is everything okay over there?  
Kris: It’s fine. Things are getting back to normal, beside Allison...she came back from SA last night.  
Katy: Oh that poor girl, she just heard about what happened, didn’t she?  
Kris: No....no one told her.**

The phone slipped from Kris’ hand. Katy must have sensed he didn’t want to talk about it, because she stopped replying. He was happy to have someone that didn’t push him, and with all things aside he really was happy for Katy and Daniel. It would be awkward during the holidays, but at least she wouldn’t be alone.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy wakes up at Kris' house.

**May 17th, 2013**

_Useless. That’s how he felt. Without a doubt useless. No matter how much he tried to get out of the funk he had been in there was just nothing that would do it. It was hard. Things just seemed to get worse and worse as the days progressed. Who knew it was even possible that it could. He thought he had hit the bottom of the tank, sinking almost to the bottom. It went deeper. Even more deeper._

_The last few days hadn’t been the easiest. Down right...He took a deep breath. Stress. That’s all that he felt when that breath was taken. Tensions made his whole body hurt and just having to stand up on stage was exercise all on it’s own. Hard strenuous exercise. He was supposed to get up on stage and give everyone who paid money to see him a great show. Dancing and talking to them was all apart of the whole experience. Letting his body moved to the music. He remembered a time where that music was everything to him. When it gave him a release. Times where he didn’t have to think. Where it was a distraction. Just closing his eyes and letting the music take him was enough for the stress to go away. But the more he sang now, the more that that stress continued to pile up._

_It didn’t work. Nothing seemed to work...well, there was something. That something...that something did so much for him. It did somehow relieve everything. But it was a temporary solution to problems. Once he’d run that razor over his skin, once that blood dried over and left him with scars, he’d still feel the same as he did. He knew that because it hadn’t worked. He had tried and still he felt like shit._

_Drinking was probably not the best idea but he found himself doing it anyway. It was another temporary solution but honestly, he didn’t care i was something that got his mind off of everything. It was tequila, what could he say? He loved the stuff. When he had sat down at the bar of a club (he didn’t even know where the heck they were anymore) he leaned over looking at the contents behind the bar. A smile came to his lips as the bartender came over. A blonde girl with eyeliner as dark as could be on her eyes. “What can I get for you?” She asked._

_“Hm. Are you on the list of things that I can order?”_

_She gave a laugh. “I’m sorry to disappoint you but -”_

_“A sea breeze would be great, beautiful.”_

_“Coming right up,” She walked away and that was when Adam stood up and reached forward for that bottle of tequila just sitting there on the counter. Quickly, he moved it so his jacket covered over it then without even waiting around for the drink he had order, he walked away._

_Adam didn’t know how but he ended up on the roof of the club, staring out over the city. Whatever city they were in. He didn’t even know what day it was let alone what month it was. The tour had just started and he felt worn out, he wanted to sleep for days. But he couldn’t show weakness. Any sign that he was slipping would give the press something to talk about._

_He tipped the bottle back, taking a long drink of tequila. It burned his throat going down, but it was a good burn, he could feel the alcohol doing it’s job. Making him warm and calm._

_“Adam?” A voice called from behind him. Adam turned around slowly to find Tommy standing there. He didn’t remember Tommy coming out with them. He’d already been pretty wasted when they left the hotel._

_“What are you doing here, baby?” He asked._

_“Ash called,” Tommy said, taking a few steps closer to him. “Said she was worried about you. I am too, to be honest.”_

_“There’s nothing wrong with me.” Adam said, taking another drink. He held out the bottle, the liquid sloshing around. “Want a drink? I know you’re more of jack daniels guy, but it’s really good.”_

_Tommy shook his head. “No, I don’t. I think you should stop.”_

_He took a few more steps forward and tried reaching for the bottle but tore his hand away. “C’mon baby, let’s just go back to the hotel...We can watch bad movies and cuddle. Doesn’t that sound nice?” Tommy felt like he was talking to a toddler, but if it was going to work he’d do anything._

_Adam smiled softly. He dropped the tequila bottle to the ground and took the remaining steps to Tommy and connected their lips. It earned him a grunted and Tommy pushed away from him. “Nu-uh. You have a....partner.” Tommy reminded him._

_“Yeah.” Adam replied._

_“You believe in monogamy, remember? No way am I going to be the person that you fuck that up over.”_

_“Oh baby,” Adam said, his hand running through Tommy’s hair and Tommy shivered. “We - We have an agreement. Just for the tour.”_

_Tommy didn’t know about that. He didn’t really feel so good about it, but he missed kissing Adam. And when Adam kissed him again, his arms went around Adam’s neck as he was lifted up and his legs twisted around Adam’s torso. His back was pressed against the cold metal door and Adam’s hands were removing his shirt. Really, they shouldn’t be doing this. Not outside. Anyone could see them. But to be perfectly honest, Tommy didn’t care. Not with Adam’s hands undoing his pants and his mouth on Tommy’s neck._

__

**May 1st, 2016 Part two**

Kris had woke with in the morning to the sun coming in and shining through the curtains. It was almost blinding, so much that it made his eyes flutter back closed. The night had been long. It took a long time to actually sleep after he had put his phone away. Just laying there, looking up at the ceiling made him somewhat anxious to a point. Wanting to get to sleep and just hoping that moment where his eyes would just close. Finally it had come to him. After about an hour or so, he had finally relaxed enough to sleep.

He moved a little on the bed only to hit something rough. What the...his eyes opened. Just in front of him he saw blonde hair. Tommy. His eyes moved down and realized that his arms had been wrapped around him. Tommy must have come into his room sometime during the night. Maybe he had a nightmare.

There was a stir. Tommy had slowly moved and curled up a little on the bed. His hands going under his head, making a little ‘hmm’ noise. A nightmare would have gotten him into the room. If Tommy had had one then he would probably want to be close to someone else. The guest room was right next to the master bedroom, just a little second or so walk. Then all he had to do from there was crawl onto the bed. Easy. 

Tommy turned over, his eyes were still closed and his arms folded across him. Kris looked at him. He kind of looked somewhat peaceful but behind those eyelids who knew how he felt. Shifting his weight on the bed, Kris sat up a bit. That was when Tommy’s eyes jolted open. For a second, Tommy just stared at him but then he basically sprung off of the bed.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Tommy asked. “Get out of my fucking bed, my fucking house. Out!”

Kris stared at him before moving off of the bed. “Tommy, you’re in my house.”

“No I am not! Why would I be in your fucking house? Get the hell out. You’re such a creeper. Did you do something to me while I was sleeping?”

“What? No. What the heck would I have done to you?”

“Who the hell knows? You probably have a lot of ideas inside of that head of yours.”

“Yeah,” Kris nodded, a laugh coming from his lips. It was a bit sarcastic. “I’m going to pull your fucking pants down and just go at it while you’re sleeping. You’d probably wake up with one hell of a boner.”

“Whatever. Why don’t you just stay away from me from now on? I really don’t want anything to do with you anyway. The only reason why I really ever talked to you...” Tommy shook his head and it looked like he was thinking about something in his head that gave him some conflict. Kris knew exactly what he had been trying to get at.

“The only reason you ever talked to me was be-”

“Because...” He took a deep breath, composing himself and going emotionless moments later. His head turned so he was looking Kris straight in the eye. “The only reason why I have even thought about talking to you was because of Adam. He just told me to give you a chance but honestly? Honestly I never fucking liked you. If you ask me, I rather you have died instead of him. I wouldn’t be affected by that one bit. But you know what? Adam would have been. Because you have no fucking idea how in love with you he was. And it wasn’t like you fucking cared. I kept telling him that he should get over you. That you weren’t worth it, but he never fucking listened to me. And you? You never told him that you were questioning yourself. And if he heard it from someone else, he did hear it from many people, he didn’t believe it.”

“Tommy, what the fuck a -”

“He would have left the piece of shit for you, you know! He loved Gabriel, I don’t doubt that, but why do you think that him and Sauli didn’t work out? Because he was too fucking in love with you. It wasn’t because he was never home like they said. God, you’re so stupid.”

Kris stared at him. He hadn’t heard Tommy say anything in a long time. At least, not that much. And what was he so angry about? That Adam and him couldn’t work it out? That he needed time just like everyone else? Or that he was forced to try and make nice, he didn’t understand.

“Beside the fact that it’s none of your business, even if I _would_ have told him, he’d been with Gabriel for so long....what would have been the point?”

Tommy rolled his eyes. “He would have dropped everything for you. He would have quit making music to be with you. Anything to be happy.”

“He was happy....”

“Oh, please. In the past year, look at any picture from the last year and tell me he was happy. Honestly happy.” Tommy shook his head. He started to turn toward the doorway. “I don’t have time for this. Just stop talking to me. No matter what Brad say, just leave me the fuck alone.”

**May 20th, 2013**

_  
**BREAKING NEWS: ADAM LAMBERT’S SEX TAPE WITH BAND MEMBER**   
_

_**Kicking off a new tour, Adam Lambert might be breaking under pressure. After learning the ropes with his first tour, Glamnation, Lambert told TMZ months ago that he had been ready to start the next. Lambert was more than ready to get back into onto that stage. He had promised his fans that he was back and better than ever. That certainly is not the case.** _

_**Pretty soon he might be trading in his microphone. After being runner up on Fox’s hit TV show, _American Idol_ , Lambert was completely out there. No matter what he did, he was keeping his fans on their toes. But it wasn’t just his fans that seemed to be on their toes. Or maybe their toes were curling. But it was America.** _

_**The performance at the AMA’s was the most shocking of the night. Kissing his band mate Tommy Joe Ratliff, Lambert basically gave a America a big fuck you. The kiss was talked about for months. And then later died down. But there was something else behind that kiss. Something more.** _

_**Recently, TMZ has come in possession of a tape. What kind of tape, you may ask. One that would make your eyes grow wide. We can’t exactly show you the tape, but we can assure you that there was more than kissing going on.** _

_**Ratliff was seen pulling Lambert from a ledge of a Miami nightclub.** _

_**Stay tuned.** _

_Tommy’s eyes read over the article. They were glued to the screen. They were fucked, really fucked. Bad reports for this tour had been coming out left and right ever since it started. Adam’s freak out on stage and cancelling shows had been bad enough, but this? What was everyone going to think? Sure some fans were going excited that they had hooked up, but others would be angry that Adam had cheated on Gabriel. After all that talk about being monogamous....this was horrible. And how had the tape gotten out with Adam’s lawyers not fighting it? And where had it come from? There had been no one on that roof with them._

_He closed the lid of his laptop and Adam’s manager walked in. She didn’t look too happy. Obviously, she’d seen the article. “So, would you like to explain?”_

_“I don’t know what I could say to make it better, really.”_

_“On the roof of a public place, really? What were you thinking?” She said, crossing her arms across her chest. “Things are going bad enough on this tour, we really don’t need this.”_

_“Hey, why don’t you talk to Adam about this, I’m not the only guilty party.” Tommy said._

_“I know that. I just found you first. You know, why don’t you tell him? Go find Adam and tell him your sex tape leaked and he’s going to have to explain this to everyone. Including his partner, because I’m done taking care this.” She stormed out of the room, shutting the door with a loud **bang.** _


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli isn't pleased with the way the others are treating Tommy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays!

**May 1st, 2016 Part three**

It’d been a long day. Sara had dragged him all over town, shopping and talking and doing nothing because apparently he hadn’t been out enough lately. When he was, it was mostly for work. Sauli didn’t mean to ignore his family, he just was tired of trying to go out and act like he didn’t see that paparazzi looming around the corner. They’d stopped caring about him years ago, but now they always wanted to talk him about Adam. Sauli wasn’t too happy about that, and he knew Adam wasn’t either.

Sara understood his other reason for not wanting to go out, he hated having to act like there wasn’t someone always trying to get his attention. And he didn’t mean the press. Lately, he’d been trying to ignore a small blond child asking Sauli where her mother was. He wanted to help her, he did, but he needed a break. Helping these people crossover, it took time.

Sauli let himself into his apartment, stopping dead in his tracks. Adam sat on his couch, the TV flipping channels without a remote. He sighed. He could deal with Adam, Adam didn’t want anything. He just wanted to talk, he wasn’t anywhere near ready to leave, and he had too much unfinished business.

“Hei, Adam.” He said, dropping his keys on the small table near the door.

Adam smirked, the TV turning itself off. “Moi.” He said. “You don’t seem too happy to see me, should I come back later?”

Sauli shook his head, wondering over to the couch. “No, I am just tired.”

“You’ve been busy lately.” Adam said, “Lots of back and forth between here and LA. I’m surprised really, I mean, you’ve been hanging around Brad. You two can’t stand each other. And don’t tell me it’s not true because I can totally see it.”

“It is bearable with Cassidy and Tommy around.” Sauli shrugged. “If Tommy was actually sober and on this earth.”

Adam looked down, sighing deeply. “God, I didn’t think he was going to freak out like that. I just wanted to talk with him and he...”

“It’s not your fault, Adam. He doesn’t think he should be seeing you. Most people don’t think so. It makes them feel crazy.”

“Then why do you act so normal?” Adam asked. “Every time I appear in a room with you, you just look at me like when I’d walk into a room while I was alive.”

Sauli ran a hand through his hair. He had done his best to hide this part of him from Adam while they were dating, and now, with Adam sitting across from him as a spirit, there was really no point in hiding it. After all, didn’t Adam say there was no time to be angry where he was? “I am a medium....I see spirits. I have since I was a child. So when you....passed, it did not surprise me when you came and talked to me. I did not expect you to go to Tommy, though. I mean, I didn't think he’d be able to _see_ you.”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

Sauli laughed, “What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey Adam, guess what? I see spirits, in fact, sometimes when we’re out at dinner, they won’t shut the fuck up I can hardly hear what you’re saying.’ That would have went over really well.”

“I guess you’re right.” Adam sighed.

“I don’t want to be right,” Sauli said softly. “I don’t want to be sitting here, talking to you as a spirit. I want to be talking to you, as a human....God, I never had to get emotionally involved in this before, I really didn’t want to start.”

“Emotionally involved?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I usually just go on my merry way. I have gotten used to everything that comes my way. Even if they are not the most pleasant of spirits. It does not matter if I have this ability. Maybe you should try to leave Tommy alone. If you scare him too you don’t know what will happen.”

“He doesn’t think I’m real.”

“If your friend had died and came back as a spirit would you believe he was there?” Sauli shook his head, sighing. “I think this is why I have never told you. You probably would not have believed me if I had told you. You need to try and focus. You are here for a reason. You need to find that reason. If you have not crossed over to the other side yet, there is something keeping you here.”

“It’s not like god was waiting at pearly gates. I’m sure he won’t be.”

“Of course you don’t. Just try to do what you need to do. You have not been doing that. You are just trying to communicate with all of _them_.”

“They’re my friends. My family. I love them and some of them, some of them actually loved me back.”

He looked over to Adam. Some of them actually loved him back? What did that mean? “So -”

“Fine. I’ll leave Tommy alone. I won’t bother him again. It’s doing more harm than good. I see that.”

Sauli blinked at him but when he stopped, Adam wasn’t there. Sometimes....sometimes he wished he wasn’t a medium.

**May 20st, 2016**

Brad. There was something that he hated most about it him. Something that made him want to kill him. It was his attitude. And well, knocking on his door at eight pm. Of course. It was Brad who had pushed him out of the house. Told him that he was going out. Fucking Brad. Tommy hated him more than anything. But what he hated more was the fact that he could just show up and kick him out of his own house. It was a surprise that he didn’t get blindfolded and gagged. As soon as he had opened the door he was pulled out of it. Then pushed towards the car. All Tommy really wanted to do was go to bed. It was freaking eight pm and all he wanted to do was analyzed the inside of his eyelids. Not whatever Brad wanted him to do. And who knew what that was.

It shouldn’t have been surprising when he found himself at an overcrowded club. Didn’t Brad get tired of the party lifestyle? He was thirty after all. But with no steady job or partner, he really didn’t have anything better to do. At least he didn’t waste his time on getting him dressed in something exotic.

The loud music pumped through the speakers. It gave him such a headache and kind of made him feel a little claustrophobic. So many people packed into one room. Sure, he’s been to clubs before but nowadays, it just wasn’t for him. He found no joy whatsoever in clubbing. There were other things that he wanted to do or he could be doing. This wasn’t one of those things that he wanted to do.

Lights were everywhere in tune to the music. There was a mixture of people around. Some wore costumes and some in just normal club wear. No one was really in something that over the top.

“Brad, I don’t want to be here,” Tommy said over the music. “I want to go home!”

“Shh, dance. It’ll do you good. If you happen to meet someone, have a little fun. Let loose!”

“I’m not sleeping with a stranger.”

“Like you haven’t done it before. You got freaky with some strangers in your day. Don’t act like it Tommy...”

“Yes, but then I grew up. Unlike _some_ people in this room.” Tommy said. “Seriously Brad, if I wanted to have some fun, I’d pop in a movie and have a beer. I don’t need a room full of drunk twinks.”

Brad gasped, “I’m offended Tommy Joe.”

“Don’t be.”

“Well, I’m not really offended.”

“Oh, of course not,” Tommy moved to look out of the people crowded in the room. He wasn’t against partying. He used to do it all the time. Things were great. He’d find himself just moving into stranger’s arms. Or even just drinking. Alcohol was always his best friend. He loved just the taste of it. Everything about it made him feel...feel free. It was a great effect of it. It was just a liquid medicine that made him forget about how crappy his life was. That was what was important. Life wasn’t anything all that great to him. It wasn’t miraculous as some thought their lives to be. It was just...just something to survive. If he survived the days then that was just good enough for him. Sometimes that was just all he could do.

“You should get out and dance,” Brad said. “It wouldn’t hurt to get a little crazy tonight.”

Crazy. He knew crazy. Just the thought made head right to the bar. He didn’t want to think about any of that. There was no way that he wanted to cross his mind. Just thinking of it made him think that he well, was crazy. Everything that had been happening to him made him think he was. 

Before he could even get to the bar, he was pulled back. Fucking Brad. “You can’t drink too much.”

“Why the fuck do you care? All you care about is fucking guys into oblivion. What should it matter?”

Brad looked offended and actually took a step back before he turned and walked away. Great. He managed to piss off Brad. Who the hell thought that was fucking possible?

**May 21th, 2013**

_Adam knew what it took to avoid paparazzi. He knew that he needed a great disguise to get him through the gates that he needed and onto a plane. There was nothing wrong with flying. He had always loved flying. Liked being up in the air. Loved everything about it. But. He just hoped that one **Bert Ladam** made it through the flight. Bert wasn’t that much of a flyer. He was terrified of all it could bring. Just waiting for the plane to land was enough distress. Anxiety bought a first class ticket at today and its seat was right next to him. _

_Adam didn’t know if it was the nerves of being home that got him so freaked out about flying. Home brought so many other things along with it. He loved being on tour. But that just fell to hell. Everything was in pieces at his feet. It felt like his carry one was full of the tiny broken pieces of his life on tour._

_He thought that it was going to be a great tour. Got him out and about seeing his fans. He loved seeing his fans. Got him away for home for a while. He loved home, don’t get him wrong, but he felt free being away from it. At least first it did. At first it felt great. Felt like he could just breath. But from there, from there, he felt somewhat suffocated. Like he couldn’t breathe and all the oxygen in the world was being pulled from under him._

_As the plane descended, the seat belt light came on and Adam re-buckled himself in. He wasn’t anywhere near ready to be on the ground. When his manager had canceled the rest of the tour, he called Kris. He didn’t know why, but Adam knew he would need somewhere to stay that wasn’t his house. He wasn’t ready to face Gabriel with what happened just yet. He’d be_ pissed _._

_One of the perks of being in first class was being able to get off the plane first. Adam grabbed his carry on from the overhead compartment and made his way off the plane behind a hand full of men in suits who looked like they must travel for a living._

_Adam walked through the terminal as quickly as he could, making it out to baggage claim. He stared around the crowded area looking for Kris. He didn’t know what Kris was supposed to look like, they’d agreed dressing in disguises would be best. Neither wanted to deal with any sort of paparazzi that were having a heyday over Adam’s cancelled tour._

_Suddenly he felt arms around his neck. A knitted cap covered his head and he wore a fake mustache. Adam almost wanted to laugh, Kris never was good at putting costumes together. “I’ve missed you.” Kris whispered in his ear._

_“I missed you too.” He said._

_Kris pulled back, resting a hand on Adam’s shoulder. “C’mon, let’s get back to my place.”_

**May 21st, 2016**

Midnight. He didn’t know how he ended up back at the other man’s place. How he found himself moving towards his room. His hands moving up under his shirt. Or even how his hands were moving almost feveriously towards his pants buttons. Maybe he had drunk a few many beers and he had left Brad at that stupid bar. But it was Brad. Who cared. Brad would find his way home. It was Brad. He was probably doing the same exact thing. He was probably moving his hands along someone’s body. Wanting to just feel their skin. Or just rip their clothes off of their body. That was what Tommy just wanted to do.

He didn’t know how he found him. He was just moving around the crowd and somehow they ended up dancing. Just getting as close to each other. A lot of grinding was their dancing. It got him so fucking turned on it wasn’t funny. Maybe Brad taking him to that bare wasn’t that bad. At least he was getting laid. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” The man asked. He didn’t really know why he was doing it. Maybe it was to feel close to him. There was just something about him that just made him feel a little comfort. Or maybe it was just for the fuck. Either way, he seemed to be liking what he was doing. 

“Yeah,” Tommy nodded. 

He didn’t know much about the man. Just little things that were somewhat passed down to him. He would pass him every now again in venues and they’d find themselves talking. Just about the old band. Mainly Adam. That’s who they had in common. Adam had been totally in love with the man at one point. Couldn’t get him to shut about him. He treated him well too. The man was caring, at least that was how Adam would describe him. He had always seemed to like somewhat shorter men. Adam went for them. Gabriel never really fit in there. Gabriel. Why the fuck was he thinking about him? God. 

“You’re sure?” The accent stuck out even more than had before. It was broken but he had gotten somewhat better since he had met him. It was now easy to make out. 

Who knew how much he could talk. Especially at a time like this. Tommy just rolled his eyes innerly and just went to the man’s pants and undid them. Maybe that would say enough. Apparently it did, because Tommy felt himself be pushed up against the wall and being kissed.

**May 21st, 2016 Part Two**

Sauli didn’t know how to feel when he woke up hours later. He supposed he probably should feel awful. He shouldn’t have done it. After two beers and three hours of dancing, Sauli really didn’t care where he ended up that night whether it was going to be his hotel room or someone’s apartment.

But it had to have been _Tommy’s_ apartment. 

He rolled over on the bed and the other side was empty. It couldn’t be the morning already because it was still dark out. Tommy was probably in the bathroom or getting something to drink, so he left it alone and let himself doze off again. 

The next time he woke up it was just over an hour later. Tommy still was missing from the bed. Sauli sighed, rolling out of bed against his will. 

He walked down the hallway, coming to a stop before he entered the living room. Tommy was sitting cross-legged on the couch and Adam was sitting on the coffee table in front of him. So much for Adam leaving Tommy alone. Sauli wasn’t sure if they were actually talking or just sitting and staring at each other. Either way he was going to have a few choice words with Adam next time he appeared. 

He cleared his throat and Adam's turned to look at him while Tommy stayed still. Adam frowned, and then disappeared. 

Sauli made his way over to the couch, sitting down next to Tommy. He winced, finally moving to look at him. He looked awful. His eyes had bags under them and it looked like he'd been losing weight. As if he had any weight to lose.

"You have not been sleeping." Sauli said.

"No," Tommy replied. "Not for a while. I didn't want to wake you so I came out here." 

"How about I make you some tea?" Sauli suggested. "Sometimes that helps me fall asleep."

Tommy shakes his head, his hand reaching over to grasp Sauli's wrist. "No, I just...I need...I..." 

Sauli moved closer, wrapping his arms around Tommy. He was pretty sure everyone had been going about this all wrong. Dragging him out to clubs to re-socialize him. What they should be doing is getting him into a counselor. Letting him talk about what happened. And Tommy wasn’t the only one who needed to see a counselor. But at least _those_ individuals seems to be functioning better.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After canceling the rest of the Trespassing tour, Adam stays with Kris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashback only chapter

**May 25th, 2013**

_Waking up with that smell around him had to be the best thing. It was a familiar smell that set him at ease. Cologne. Not too strong but just right and something that just screamed Southern hospitality. Adam felt comfortable beneath the cotton sheets. Probably the first time in forever that he woke up and felt meaning. At least there was a little bit of it. He knew that it probably wouldn’t last forever._

_Kris' house was always kind of a nice place to be. Always soothed him. Kris was a dear friend and he really appreciated him for letting him stay there. Kris hadn't asked why he wanted to stay and Adam was grateful for that. Though, he supposed Kris knew. After all anyone who didn't know must be living under a rock._

_He felt exhausted._

_No matter how long he had slept for, he was tired. It had been a few days since he had gotten there and still all he felt like doing was sleeping. The sleep was somewhat good, but always broken. He'd wake up in the middle of the night and find himself just laying there. Dozing off took a good two hours. Restless. Even if he got back to sleep he'd just toss and turn._

_"Are you up?" he had turned to the door and saw Kris standing there. A smile crossed the man's lips. "Good Morning."_

_"Morning," Adam replied, smiling back. He wished he was waking up in Kris' bed. He wished it could be like this every morning for the rest of his life, but he knew better._

_"C'mon, I made blueberry pancakes."_

_Adam nodded, "I’ll be there in a second."_

_"Don't take too long. The sausage and eggs might get cold."_

_Sausage and eggs. He had to admit Kris was pretty bad with cooking most things but it sounded really good._

_He hated feeling like he was trapped. That's what he was. He wanted to wake up to breakfast for him instead of making it. He sigh. Being there was probably better then going home. He actually dreaded that moment he'd have to go home to Gabriel. "I won't."_

_"Good. We wouldn't want to eat cold food. Now would we?" With that, he left the room._

_Adam sighed. Why did life have to be so rough?_

_Pulling himself out of bed, Adam searched the floor for his pajama bottoms. It was no use thinking of those things now. Gabriel didn't know he was back in LA yet, he might as well enjoy it while it lasted._

__

**May 26th, 2013**

Being kicked out of bed wasn't fun. Adam leaned this first hand. Kris had came into his room and literally jumped on his bed. Even the cute little dog licked his face. Dog kisses made his whole face all slobbery. Gross. "Wake up! We're going out!" Kris said.

Adam moaned. "Out?"

"Yeah, out! You've been in this house way too long. And they just open and ice skating rink downtown. So we're going."

"Do I have a say?" Adam asked, wiping his face of dog slobber. Who knew Kris could ice skate. But the thought does not sound appealing to him. Him and ice are not good combinations. 

Kris laughed. "Nope."

"No?"

"No. Sorry. But I have a whole day planned. Full of fun. Now get up! I'll be waiting." He gave one more bounce on the bed. Adam smiled and watched him leave. As much as he wanted to get out, what if someone saw him? What if fans took pictures of them while they were out? He didn't want to think of what it would be like if Gabriel found he was staying here.

**May 26th, 2013** part two 

Ice skating. Ouch. That was the first thing that came into Adam's mind. Who could even picture Adam Lambert ice skating? He sure didn't see himself doing that! He rather have been doing something completely different like writing or being in the studio. He might not have much of a career anymore but he still has passion.

Adam held onto the padded wall, the skates slipping under him. He couldn’t keep track of how many times he’d fallen. At least he could say he officially sucked at ice skating. But Adam wasn't going to make a big deal out of it because he could see Kris was enjoying himself.

Pushing himself off the wall, he attempts to skate toward Kris who was smiling and doing circles in the middle of the rink. He ended up slipping again, landing on his butt with one leg trapped under him. Adam groaned, he had a new found respect for figure skaters.

Kris was pretty good at skating. Why couldn't Adam have that? He pretty much sucked. It was horrible. He didn't even know why he attempted such an act. Ice Skating? Did he really look like someone who ice skated? He was tall and kind of found himself to be a tad overweight with no balance whatsoever. 

"Get back up," Kris said stopping in front of him. "You're fine."

Adam stumbled to his feet. Of course he was going to be fine, but his leg hurt like a son of a bitch. Landing dead weight like that was not the most fun thing in the world. "Why couldn't we have done something else? Like seeing a movie?" He asked.

"Because that's boring, Lambert."

"Boring?" Adam asked. He didn't find it boring. Movies were great things. Ice skating. Not so much. In fact, he was pretty sure that he hated it. "It's actually something a lot better than this..."

Kris laughed. "Of course you would say that. You don't know how to ice skate."

"Can you honestly say that you thought I did?"

"Well, maybe? You look good in ice skates."

Adam laughed, "I bet I look really good wobbling around like a fool." He said, skating toward the wall. From behind him he heard Kris gasp and Adam turned back around. Kris was staring down at his leg.

"You're bleeding. A lot."

"Oh." Adam looked to his leg. Blood soaked his jeans. It really had been bleeding a lot. He remembered what was there and kind of panicked just a bit. Cuts. How was he going to explain that to Kris if he were to see them?

Kris skated over to him and started to kneel down. Adam immediately flinched away. "It's alright, I'll handle it. The skate probably nicked me on that last fall."

"What if it's really bad?" Kris protested.

"I'll come get you."

"Ad-" Adam shook his head before he skated away. Kris watched him the whole way off of the rink.

**May 26th, 2013** part three

"Are you sure you're okay?" Kris asked as they walked towards the the door to his house. He really wished that Adam would have at least let him help him. But knowing Adam, he didn't like asking for help.

"Everything is fine, okay? It was just a shallow cut that needed a band-aid, that’s all." Adam lied straight through his teeth. He'd gone to the bathroom and checked, his whole leg was covered in blood. The old cuts had reopened, soaked his jeans. What he needed now was some privacy to get cleaned up.

"Okay," Kris opened up his house and stepped aside for Adam to pass. Adam walked in. His whole body was tense. Just waiting till he made it to his room. But before he made it to the guest room he heard Kris' throat clear. "Do you want tea?"

Adam's hand stilled on the doorknob. If he said yes Kris would walk in on him. If he said no, Kris would continue to bother him about what happened. Fuck, if only he'd bandage the cuts again he wouldn't be having this problem. "Yeah, tea would be nice."

**May 28th, 2013** part two 

Adam sat on the bed in Kris' guest room. He should go home soon, he'd been avoiding Gabriel for too long. But everything was safe here. He has freedom and wasn't afraid of being yelled at if he spilt his drink on the carpet or left his boots by the door on accident.

Gabriel had called him a few times. No doubt he'd seen the video by now. He probably also knew Adam was back home. What was he suppose to say when they finally talked? It just happened? Because it never _just happens_. And this wasn't some stranger, this had been Tommy. His best friend and band mate. Yeah, Gabriel wasn't going to be so forgiving.

Kris was out recording today, leaving the house empty. He told Adam he could invite friends over if he wanted to, but all that he needed to do for now what re-bandage his leg. He was pretty good at this now, it didn't even phase him that he was wrapping wounds he made himself. It was though he didn't regret it anymore.

After cleaning and wrapping his leg, Adam sat for a long time. He really wanted to talk to someone, but friends or not they'd still judge him for what happened with Tommy. Of course, there was one person that never seemed to get angry with him no matter what he did.

Adam reached for his phone on the nightstand and hit six on his speed dial. It rang a few times before Adam remembered he'd probably be asleep right now.

"Mitä?" A sleepy voice filled the other line.

"I'm sorry," Adam said quickly. "I forgot the time difference, go back to sleep."

"Adam?" Sauli asked. There was fabric rustling on the other end. "It is okay, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm good I...." Adam sighed. He didn't call Sauli to lie to him. And Sauli had said Adam could talk to him about anything. Including his self-injury, and he kind of wanted to, even though he wasn’t sure what to say. "No, I'm not." 

“No?” Sauli asked. There’s a comforting side to his voice that has Adam sigh in relief. There’s just something there that relaxes him. Adam doesn’t know why. But it does. “What is wrong?”

Adam moves closer to the edge of the bed and moves down to the floor. His knees come up to rest against his chest and his arms go around them, the phone moving back to his ear. “I just...I need a distraction. Anything that keeps me from thinking.”

“Keeps you from thinking?”

“Y-Yes. I can’t think right now or...”

“Oh. So...is there anything in particular that you want to talk about?”

“Uh...” he sniffles, taking in a long rigid breath. Something to talk about? What was he supposed to talk about? Those _personal subjects are something that he doesn’t want to talk about. They’re the ones that have him like this. “I went ice skating.”_

_There’s a laugh on the other end of the phone. “Ice skating? You went ice skating?”_

_“Yeah. I went ice skating. Can you imagine me on ice skates?”_

_“That’s just...That’s just a weird picture but kind of cute. I am mad that I missed such a moment.”_

_Adam’s head goes forward. Sauli was probably the best relationship that he’d had. There was so much chemistry there. So much love. He hates that things went south. They just didn’t want the same things. Adam wishes that things would have been different. But it’s not like he could change that now. He has to live with his decisions. Right now was like the calm being the storm. He knows what he has to do and right now, he’s just calming his mind before he makes that decision. “I wouldn’t be surprised if uh...if Kris got it on camera. Did you know that he skates?”_

_“Kris...Kris Allen? Skater? Somehow, I just cannot picture that.”_

_“Oh, he’s really good. Better than me, I’ll tell you that. Way better. He’s like good enough for the Olympics. I wouldn’t be surprised if he could make it onto like one of the teams or whatever. “_

_“And you?”_

_“Me? I would be on the sidelines cheering him on. I wouldn’t make it one bit in the Olympics. In any sport. That’s how bad I am.”_

_“That is not true. I am sure you could do something.”_

_“I can’t even do a pushup. I’m a freaking goner!”_

_Sauli sighed, “You did not call to talk about this, Adam. Something is bothering you.”_

_“I...” Well yes, there is something bothering him. But how is Sauli going to help him? He’s all the way over in Finland, it’s not like he could drop everything and come over. He really couldn’t do anything but tell him everything was going to be okay, which Adam highly doubted._

_“Yes?”_

_“I...” Adam give a sigh. “I kind of....I’ve gotten myself in a little bit of a uh...A hole.”_

_“A hole?”_

_“Y-Yes. There’s a...I have a uh...I have a sort of problem that I’m kind of nervous about figuring out. Or...I’m....I kind of did something with Tommy and uh...There’s a sex tape out there with Tommy and I and I’m kind of scared of what Gab is going to think of it.”_

_“I know,” Sauli said softly. “Are you afraid he is going to leave you?”_

_Adam runs his nails along his leg, “I don’t know.”_

_“I am worried about you.” Sauli stated. “You have not been the same since you started seeing Gabriel. Is everything okay with you two?”_

_“Yes, of course.” Adam replied quickly. Because everything_ is _fine with them. Sure they fight every once and awhile but what couple doesn’t?_ More than fight _. His brain reminded him, but Adam shakes it away. “I guess I’m just really worried about what he’ll do.”_

_“Do?” Sauli said sharpy. “What do you mean_ do? _”_

_“Nothing. I must still be jet-lagged, I’m making no sense.” Adam’s head perks up at the sound of the front door opening. He couldn’t have been on the phone that long could he? No, Kris must just be home for lunch. “I’m sorry I called so late.”_

_Before Sauli could say another word, Adam moved the phone down from his ear and disconnected the line. A sigh came from his mouth as he used the bed behind him to get up. Placing the phone on the nightstand, he walked out of the Guest room and down the hallway. When he got out in the living room he saw blonde locks flash before him. She was in the kitchen, moving around. Katy. It was weird to see her in the house. Adam knew that they two had decided to split from each other. Divorce. Adam never really understood why the two would even think about getting a divorce. They were perfectly in sync with each other. He used to read about how perfect things were with them in the magazines. They just seemed happy. Happier than anyone he knew. Especially himself._

_Adam takes a few steps towards the kitchen. He must have made enough noise because the blonde turned around. Katy. There was a smile on her face. It was something that got bigger as her eyes moved down to look at him. It made him feel...weird. Then she took a few steps closer to him and before he knew it, she was pulling him into a hug. “I’m_ so _happy to see you.”_

_“You are?”_

_“Well yeah!” She said, pulling back. “I haven’t seen you in so long! I know you were on tour and everything, but I really missed you. We both did. How was the tour, anyways?”_

_“It was...alright.” Adam said. Obviously it had ended really early so things hadn’t gone as planned. But he wasn’t about to spill his guts about everything that happened. She probably had read about the bad stuff, anyways and was being nice to not bring it up. He was grateful for that. “How about you, how’s everything going here?”_

_Katy smiled, walking over to the cupboard and taking out a bottle of wine. “Well, you’ve probably heard about Kris and I splitting up.” She said, pouring them both a glass. “I’ve moved in with one of my friends and it’s been different. A lot to get used to. For one, I can’t just walk around naked anymore.”_

_Adam laughed, taking the glass from her. Oh how Adam had missed Katy. She always knew what to say in awkward situations. Most of America saw this cute little barbie like girl, but Katy was far from it._


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris and Allison spend the day together.

**June 12th, 2016**

Sometimes when you fall you can’t get back up. The world has a way of just fucking with you as hard as it can. That’s how Allison felt at this very moment. She couldn’t get up from a hard fall and no matter how much she tried, all of her attempts have failed. She just felt completely hopeless....useless. Like nothing really mattered. It’s hard to realize that there’s really nothing to live for anymore. Everyone seemed to just...

No one really cared.

They were all off doing whatever they were doing before she came back to L.A. Why did she even come back? South Africa was free. Inviting and mystical. Helping out children, some -- most unfortunate. Her life was great there. She didn’t even use any technology. She just soaked up everything the culture had to offer. Things change. What was she thinking when she thought things were going to be the same? Things would never be the same after a couple of years away.

She really hadn’t been doing anything. Nothing. It just seemed like she’s sitting around and wasting space. A sigh comes from her as she moves to stand up. After coming back, she has been living with her parents. It’s not where she would want to be but it’s probably the only thing that she could handle. She had to go job searching and get back into the swing of things to actually afford a new apartment to stay in. That’s why her parent’s place would do for now. Her room was just as she had left it when she was younger. Nothing really changed. Which made somethings a little easier. Made her feel a little better about herself.

She walked over to her desk and sat down in the chair. There were pictures all over her wall in front of her. Pictures of...Pictures of her and Adam. Kris and Adam. Kris and her. Things of her them all having fun around town and just being carefree. Everything seemed like that then. She moved her hand over to one of the drawers off to the side before opening it. Her eyes moved to look at the contents. A bunch of paper littered in it, pencils, a sharpener, scissors.

Scissors.

Slowly, her hands moved into the drawer, picking them up. As she did her hand closer the drawer. Her eyes looked them over. The silver of the blade was kind of shiny in the light of her room and she could see her reflection as she looked at them. Those eyes that she was staring at seemed like they weren’t even hers. Like they were someone’s that she didn’t even know.

A finger went to run against the blade. Just coasting down it to one of the handles. Then another finger on the other hand did the same before it was down on the handle too. She allowed herself to move the claws of the scissors open. Watching as they moved back and forth. Listening to the sound they made. A gentle chomping noise. 

Downcasting her eyes, she looked down at her legs. She had been wearing shorts to bed, so her legs were completely bare. In her hand, the scissors moved around so they were between her fingers and pointed downward. Just one pull across the skin. That’s all it would take. When the scissors got within an inch from her leg, they stopped and she took in a deep breath before they went the rest of the way. Slow, it moved across her skin, making a long streak. She stared at it. Waited until the redness popped out of the incision. When it did, she brought the scissors back and it once more. The second time was even better. Made her feel better.

But she wanted more. Allison opened another drawer, pushing the contents around and looking for a small object. She soon found it, in the way back of the drawer. Her old lighter. She used to use it for smoking joints by herself when she was upset. But she hadn’t touched it over five years, she doubted it still worked. She flipped it on, the flame shooting up. A sigh of relief coursed through her. She quickly shoved the blade under the flame, watching it heat up.

She blew out the flame, pressing the blade to her upper leg as hard as she could. She dropped the lighter, her free hand reaching out to grab the desk. It’d been _years_ and it still felt the same. The burning of her skin was so intense it almost felt numbing.

As if it wasn’t really happening.

**June 17th, 2016**

Allison walked up to Kris’ door. She hadn’t seen him since she’d come home and their meeting hadn’t gone to well. She thought or more less hoped that this time it would go better. At least this time, she had some help. A little bag stored safely in her pocket. She knew Kris was probably going to be reluctant, but she had her ways.

She raised her hand to knock. Barking was the first thing that she heard on the the other side of the door and she smiled a little. Okay, so maybe she was already a little stoned and that’s what made her come here. She probably wouldn’t have otherwise fearing it would end up just like last time.

Kris opened the door, standing there in his pajamas. Obviously, he hadn’t planned on going out today. That was fine, she didn’t feel like seeing anyone else besides him. She pushed past him, walking into his house. Lux ran over to her, barking and pawing at her legs happily. She bent down and gave the beagle a loving pat on the head before she stood up again to staring at Kris. He looked really confused.

“Well, are you going to say hello or just stand there?” She said.

“Um, hello?”

“Good,” she replied, patting him on the head. “Now, our last meeting didn’t go as I would have liked. An understatement, actually. I thought possibly we could start over? And we could have a better welcome home party.” Allison reached into her pocket, pulling out the small bag of weed waving it back and forth in front of him.

Kris’ eyes went wide. “What the _hell?_ ” He said, snatching it from her hand and looking at it intensely. “No. No, we are _not_ doing this.”

“Aw, you’re acting like you haven’t done this before.” She replied with a giggle.

“I - I haven’t! Well...” He looked down at the bag again. Of course he _had_ but with Allison? Someone who was like his little sister? No way was this going to happen. He could get in so much trouble. _They_ could get in so much trouble.

“You’re not my mother, Kris.” She said simply, taking the small bag from him. “Come on, loosen up a little. I bet you haven’t had any fun in the past six months. At least, not any fun that hasn’t gotten you into some kind of trouble with _Brad_.” She almost spat his name. She loved Brad, but after their last encounter, she could tell the two had some pretty ill feelings toward each other for some reason.

Kris stared at her for a few moments, then looked down at the bag in her hand. He nodded slowly. “Yeah okay, fine. Just....this doesn’t leave the house. Ever. Understand?” Allison nodded happily, running off toward his living room. He probably just made a big mistake, but he’d deal with it later. If this was going to get him to spend some time with Allison, he’d risk it.

**June 17th, 2016** Part two 

Allison laid next to Kris on his bed just staring up at the ceiling. She could tell you one thing, she felt a lot better than she did before she got there. Felt a lot more mellow.

“How’s Katy?” she asked as she moved her head back to look at Kris. He was looking right back at her. His hands resting on his stomach. She kind of pictured Kris being a bit of a partier when he was younger. Sure, no one would think that now. Thinking of the man partying now is kind of weird. She never thought she’d actually get him to say yes to smoking.

“Katy’s good. Good. She’s marrying my brother in a few months. They’re planning the wedding probably as we speak. It’s not weird at all.” There was a bit of sarcasm in his voice. Of course it was a little weird. Katy, his ex-wife, was marrying his brother. It was hard to be reminded of that sometimes. If it wasn’t for him, they’d probably be still together. Okay, he’s happy for her from moving on from him but maybe there still a little part of him that still loved her. He did pledge to love and to cherish her for as long as they lived. But his heart was something different than his mind. When they’re together, it’s just the most confusing thing. His heart might want Katy but his mind can’t stop thinking about guys.

“Your brother is marrying your wife?”

“Ex-wife,” Kris corrected her.

Allison let out a little laugh, “Katy is marrying Dan?”

“Yeah...I didn’t see it coming either. She seems happy. Knows what she wants. I can’t say as much.”

“You don’t know what you want?”

He shrugged. Here came that thing again. Knowing what he wanted and the confusion that life always presented him. Lately, he knew one thing. That he’d spent the last few years just wanting to explore and find what he may want. But that kind of turned into a mess after a while. “To a point maybe. I know that I figured out who I want to be but other than that I don’t have a clue of what I’m doing.”

“Who you want to be?”

“Yeah. Since Katy and I got a divorce, I know that I’m pretty sure that I’m more interested in men than I am woman. But that doesn’t rule out that I might be attracted to woman still. But since we’ve divorced all I’ve been doing is sleeping with men. In fact, that’s what kind of separated us. I cheated.”

Allison’s eyes widen just a little as she turns on her side and places her hand under her head on the pillow. “You’re...bi?”

“That just seems a little weird if you say it like that.”

“Well, I guess it can be when you’re first figuring it out.”

“It’s been years,” Kris said.

“It’s not that I’m surprised. You used to be all over Adam. It was kind of cute. We had a poll going on how long it would take before you two were together.”

“We?”

“Everyone. I think Neil even had money on it.”

“That me and Adam were...”

“That you were going to be. Everyone could see it in both of your eyes. He was so in love with you. He would never admit to that but it’s true. Who did you do it with?”

He raised an eyebrow. How was he going to tell Allison of all people that he had been fucking around with Adam’s ex? That wasn’t something that he wanted to talk to her about. Sex wasn’t on the list of things that they were supposed to be talking about. Smoking weed is high on that list also but he broke that one. It’s weird for him to talk about sex and to smoke weed with her. He had known this girl since she was sixteen. There’s like this unspeakable pact between everyone that was on _Idol_ to basically keep her safe and no talk about those sorts of things.

“Kris?”

Kris looked away from Allison and back up to the ceiling. “Uh...Sauli.” 

That brought Allison to sit up, making the whole bed move in the process. “Sauli? You fucked Sauli? That’s Adam’s fucking ex!”

He just nods to him. “Yeah. We were doing it for a while. Things uh...things kind of ended badly.”

“Well, yeah. Dude, that’s like untouchable territory there. When did it start? It’s not going on anymore?” 

“Tommy kissed me at a party a few years back and it kind of had me thinking because I might have kissed back for just a second and Sauli...We got to talking and hanging out and one night...” A small smile came to his lips. It was like he was replaying an image inside his head. “I believe it was New Years Ev-”

“You didn’t! Kris Allen! You were supposed to be with Katy on New Years Eve!”

“I know. She was off somewhere and I went over to Sauli’s and...And things happened. And I let them happen. I wanted them to. I didn’t regret it and it felt really good.”


End file.
